Oh Yes, Sweet Darling (So Glad You are a Child of Mine)
by iamnotacommittee13
Summary: "You're Han Solo's kid, aren't you?" he asks. Poe has no idea how to answer that, on a foreign planet no less. There are two types of people in the galaxy - those who hear yes and want to buy him a drink, and those who hear yes and want to kill him. He doesn't feel like finding out which type this guy is, but then again does he have a choice? (A Poe Organa-Solo AU)
1. Once Upon a Different Life

_A/N: Hello! Just a little AU regarding Poe I've written. Nothing belongs to me, it's all Disney's. Title is from a Carole King song. Thanks in advance for reading! Hope you enjoy xx_

* * *

When Poe is 2 years old, his entire world ends when loses both of his parents in the Battle of Endor. He doesn't remember them. He's heard stories of their lives and of their bravery fighting for the rebellion, but he can't remember a single thing about either ofthem. He doesn't remember any of the chaos that follows their deaths either. He's heard the story dozens of times of course.

He's watched by a member of the rebellion on one of the small medical ships that remains behind near Sullust. It's five days before they're cleared to join the rest of the fleet by Endor and Poe spends most of that time playing with his toys and sleeping. On the sixth day he's in one of the medical exam rooms, sitting on the bed playing with his blocks when the door opens. A man and a woman enter, and watch him for a moment. Poe stops playing with his blocks as the woman comes forward and bends down in front of him.

"Hi Poe," she says softly. "I'm Leia."

"Hi."

"Leia I don't think–" the man begins to say but the woman turns and he stops speaking.

"Yes I know you've made your point heard," she says sharply before turning back to Poe. His unruly hair is falling over his eyes and she brushes it to the side. "But he doesn't have anyone. Not anymore."

"This war isn't over. Is taking responsibility for a small child really the best idea right now?"

"If you don't want to be involved you don't have to be." She pauses. "I won't hold you to anything."

"Hey that's not what I'm saying," the man says calmly as he makes his way over to them and puts his arm around Leia. "I just think we need to really think about this."

"I have thought about it. It's not ideal but no situation for him will be. They would've wanted him to be looked after by people they knew. Who better than us?" She cups the man's cheek. "Han, look at him. He needs us."

The man - Han - turns to Poe and studies him for a long time before nodding. He kisses Leia before moving to sit next to Poe on the bed.

"Hey there pal, I like your blocks."

Poe holds one block out to Han who takes it with a smile. They sit there for a while, stacking the blocks as high as they can. Han pretends he's a monster who knocks over the blocks and Leia swoops to the rescue, helping Poe rebuild. Poe giggles and for the first time in a few days, Han and Leia laugh too.

xxxxxxxxxx

When Poe is 3, Han carries him off the _Falcon_ whispering to him quietly to look at the trees. He's just woken up from a nap, so he's not all that interested. He opens his eyes more out of annoyance but when he sees them for himself, his eyes widen. He's spent the past year living on the _Falcon_ or various other ships. He so rarely sees colors this bright and in such quantity, and he's never seen a tree before. He wriggles in Han's arms, trying to get to the ground.

"I want down," he cries.

Han laughs quietly before setting him down. "Knew you'd be excited pal. Stay close though." He places a kiss to the side of Poe's head before releasing him. Poe stands still for a moment, looking up at all of the trees in awe. They're so _big_. Chewie's the biggest thing he's ever seen and the trees are so much bigger than even Chewie! Leia comes and kneels down next to him, rubbing his back softly.

"Aren't they pretty, Poe?" she asks. He nods excitedly still staring up. She takes his hand and stands, guiding him over to the bottom of one. "Here, you can touch it, see?" She runs her hand over the bark and nods encouragingly at him. He slowly reaches his hand up to mimic her action. He scrunches up his nose and pulls his hand away.

"It's not soft." He thought they'd have been so soft; they looked it from far away.

"No it's not," she agrees. "They're quite rough."

"Can't believe the kid's never seen trees before," Han says as he comes up next to them with their bags.

"Well it's our fault really. We haven't taken him planet side before now."

"That's alright," Han says with a grin, bending down to pick Poe back up. "He's gonna be a spacer anyways, aren't you pal?" Poe isn't entirely sure what that means but he knows he likes space because that's usually where the _Falcon_ is so he nods. Han laughs, handing him over to Leia. "See? He'll be just fine."

They continue on walking through the trees, Leia pointing things out to Poe as they go, whispering soft explanations to him. She shows him birds and bugs and a small creature that goes ducking behind a tree as they pass. She points out markings on some trees and he even gets to touch the leaves on a tree that's a bit smaller. Those are soft, he discovers, so trees are back to being good things. After some time, they come out of the woods into a large clearing with a small building in the center of it.

"Hey Luke!" Han yells. "Come on out kid, I could use a hand!"

The door to the small building opens and a man comes out, carrying something. Both Han and Leia stop moving. Han drops what he's holding and stares. Poe looks up at Leia to find she's staring too, though thankfully she hasn't dropped him. Poe looks back to the man walking toward them and sees that whatever he's carrying is moving.

"Uh hey guys," he says slowly. "I'd like you to meet my son, Ben."

xxxxxxxxxx

Poe turns 5 and those still holding ties to the Empire realize that they can get to Leia by getting to him. The New Republic is still, well _new_ and Leia has been at the forefront of bringing about change. Most beings in the galaxy know her face as well as Han's, and therefore know Poe's. His story's been told over and over again across the galaxy; the small boy who lost his parents in the fight for freedom, Han and Leia valiantly stepping up to raise him as their own. The New Republic has been fanning the flame, allowing the story to spread far and wide. It's good press after all and they don't begin to think of the negative repercussions.

Poe is bouncing around the kitchen one morning while Leia prepares his lunch to take to school. Earlier they had been commed by the docking bay, informing them that Chewbacca had landed and was on his way to their apartment. Chewie wasn't due planet side for another two days, and Poe is delighted at the early surprise.

"Chewie's here! Chewie's here! Leia did you hear?" he yells excitedly. Leia smiles at him and pulls him gently off the counter he's halfway climbed.

"Yes honey I heard. That's excellent news," she responds, setting him back down on the floor. "Please don't climb anymore sweetheart, I don't want you falling again."

Han appears in the doorway and drops Leia a kiss before pouring himself a cup of caf. "What's got you so hyper pal?"

"Chewie's planet side! He'll be here any minute!" Poe dodges past Leia and throws himself at Han who catches him while precariously holding his caf. "Can I skip school today and work on the _Falcon_ with you and Chewie? Please Han?"

Han looks to Leia and hesitates. "No?" Poe glances at Leia as well and sees she's turned on her 'senator face' as Han calls it and this time his answer to Poe is firmer. "No, you can't skip school."

Poe sighs heavily and slides out of Han's arms. "You caved again." Han can't help but laugh, and he pats Poe's head, leading him out of the kitchen and over towards the door.

"I know pal, but you'll understand why when you're older. Come on let's get your shoes on." Han kneels next to the boy, setting his caf to the side and helps him get his shoes tied.

"Can Chewie walk me to school at least?" Poe asks, hoping to spend just a little time with the Wookie. Chewie's visits had become few and far between as of late. Han had explained to Poe that Chewie had his own family back on Kashyyyk that he needed to be with and that he'd visit when he could. Poe understood. Sometimes when Han left for a few days at a time, Poe would miss him terribly. He was sure Chewie's family felt the same. Han and Leia had promised Poe they would visit Kashyyyk one day, but they'd just been so busy of late, Poe figured they'd probably forgotten.

"Oh that's how it is, huh?" Han asks with mock indignation. "Chewie comes along and you just throw me to the side that quick? Wanna chuck me down a garbage chute while you're at it? Dispose of me properly?" Han tickles him, and Poe bursts into a fit of giggles, trying to maneuver out of his reach. Leia joins them, lifting Poe out of harm's way and showering him with kisses.

"No one's going down any more garbage chutes. I think we've had enough of that for one lifetime." She's smiling at Han that way she does sometimes before bed and Poe is grateful for the door chime because he's pretty sure they were going to kiss and they've already done that once today, isn't that enough? Han opens the door and Chewie growls a greeting, pulling him in for a hug. Poe jumps out of Leia's arms and races over to the Wookie who scoops him up in a big hug causing him to laugh excitedly.

"He's missed you Chewie," Han says.

"We all have," Leia adds with a smile as she hugs the Wookie as well.

"Chewie will you walk me to school, _please_?" he drags out the last word for emphasis and the Wookie roars his delight. Poe hollers back and with shoes tied he takes his bag from Leia, hugs both her and Han, and races out the door.

"Keep an eye on him Chewie, he's a troublemaker," Han calls from the doorway. "I'll meet you down at the _Falcon_ in a bit!"

They're weaving their way through the busy streets of Republic City when it happens. Poe is telling Chewie all about how he's going to come and visit him and his family on Kashyyyk, he _promises_ when suddenly a man is making his way towards them, pushing people out of his way. He lifts his arm- Poe can see he's holding something- and Poe is not quite sure what happens next. All he knows is there's a bang, followed by people screaming all around him, Chewie roaring louder than Poe has ever heard him roar, and Poe has somehow ended up on the ground. It takes him a confused second to feel the searing pain shoot up his arm and when he looks he sees blood, lots and lots of blood. Confused and frightened, he calls out for Chewie who's further away now, standing over the man who Poe sees has also fallen down. At Poe's call he comes back, scoops Poe up, and starts running.

Poe isn't quite sure how or when they get there but Chewie takes him to the nearest medical center, growling for someone, anyone to help him. A doctor comes along and gestures for him to put Poe on a nearby stretcher. He's not sure what does it - maybe it's the sudden sight of another human – but something in Poe snaps. He starts sobbing, fighting against the doctor who's trying to help him. He wants Leia, where's Leia? He tries to communicate this but it's hard to get the words out. He's scared and it hurts and when he's hurt Leia makes it better; he doesn't want this man, he wants Leia. Chewie tries to console him but Poe can't be calmed. The doctor assures Chewie it's 'just a flesh wound' and that he'll be okay.

Han arrives a short time later, pushing past people in the same way that man did earlier, skidding to a halt in front of the stretcher Poe is sat on. Poe is still crying though he's nearly worn himself out. He's leaning back against the wall, on the arm that doesn't hurt but when Han's in front of him, he reaches for him. Han pulls him close, taking care to avoid the arm that's now loosely bandaged, the doctor having taken advantage of Poe's tiredness. Han's demanding answers and though he sounds angry, Poe takes comfort in his familiar voice. Chewie growls something about a blaster shot, and Han is asking more questions but Poe's attention is drawn elsewhere. Peering around Han's arm he sees her coming down the hall at a fast pace. He's crying harder again, out of fear and from finally seeing her. He pulls away from Han, reaching a hand out towards her. She's so close and his arm still hurts and he's still so _scared_.

"Mama!" he calls out through his sobs. It startles Han but Poe doesn't notice; she's in front of him in an instant, scooping him up off the bed and into her arms. "Mama it hurts."

She holds him close and softly wipes his tears away. "It's okay sweetheart, you're okay. I'm here."

Later, when they're finally allowed to take him home, she wraps him up in a blanket and holds him to her. They sit in his favorite spot - the big blue chair by the window in her and Han's bedroom - with views across the city landscape as far as he can see. She whispers soft soothing words to him as they look out over the city, Han hovering in the doorway.

"Did you know, I once got hurt just like you did today?" she asks quietly. He looks up at her, confused. He's never heard this one before, has he?

"Really?"

"Yep. Right in my arm too. It hurt so bad, but I was very lucky to have someone there to help me patch it up and make it all better." Poe watches as she smiles and holds her hand out to Han, who takes a few steps into the room. "Maybe Papa will tell you the story?"

Han finally reaches them and Poe thinks he looks just as scared as Poe felt earlier.

"Sure," he whispers, squatting down next to them in the chair. He reaches out slowly and rubs Poe's back, smiling softly. "I think I can do that."

xxxxxxxxxx

At 8 years old, Poe is small for his age. His mother keeps telling him there's no reason to panic, he'll grow when he's ready. But he is ready, he's _been_ ready. He's sick of getting picked on at school for being short. Whenever he tells her this she smiles, kisses his cheek and tells him that there's nothing wrong with being small. 'Sometimes the smallest people can have the biggest fight in them' she tells him over and over again. He's not entirely sure what that means but he knows it doesn't help him feel any better when he's standing next to Papa or worse, Chewie. It also doesn't make him feel any better when he's standing next to his 5 year old cousin Ben who alternatively is big for his age and nearly the same height as Poe.

Uncle Luke and Ben had arrived a few days ago and had been staying with the Solo's. Poe wasn't entirely fond of his cousin to say the least. He whines a lot and he gets so angry at the tiniest things. Currently they're standing in the living area of the Solo's apartment and he's in Poe's face, yelling at him for cheating during their ball game. Poe isn't cheating he's just better. It's not his fault Ben's so awful at it. Besides, it's just a game there's no reason to cry about it. Poe tells his cousin all of this with a roll of his eyes as he bounces the ball. He understands Ben is a lot younger than him but by the stars he gets worked up fast.

Poe is wondering to himself if he was this much of a brat when he was 5 when he feels a pain stab through his neck. His throat feels like it's closing up. He can't breathe. It feels like someone is stepping on his throat or choking the air out of him with their bare hands. His eyes widen and he drops the ball, both hands reaching up to clutch his neck. He glances at Ben for help but the younger boy is just staring at him, a dark look across his face. Poe stumbles backwards into a nearby table, knocking the bowl Papa had brought back for Mama from Naboo. It falls to the ground and shatters and the loud crash makes Ben jump. The pain constricting his throat immediately lifts and Poe collapses to the floor, gasping for air. By the time the adults come through to see what the commotion is about, there are tears in his eyes and he's trying his hardest not to get sick. Leia drops down next to him.

"Poe, sweetheart what's wrong? What happened?"

He can't find the words because he doesn't even _know_ what just happened and because his brain just keeps telling him to breathe; keep breathing, don't stop to speak. He looks up to his father and Uncle Luke standing just beyond her. It's Uncle Luke that catches his attention. He looks worried, shocked. Poe looks away and just keeps breathing.

xxxxxxxxxx

Poe is 11 years old when his parents sit him down and tell him they have news. They're sat across from him at the dinner table and they look so nervous. It's his father who speaks first, telling him that nothing is going to change - well everything is going to change - but that they don't love him any less. His mother rolls her eyes at him and leans forward to take Poe's hand.

"Poe, sweetheart we're having a baby."

He's shocked at first. "A baby?" he asks. "You're pregnant?"

She smiles tentatively at him and nods. He can't believe this. Him, a big brother? He'd asked them once when he was younger about having a baby brother or sister and they had awkwardly explained it away. Yet now here they were telling him that it was going to happen. His face splits into a grin. They seem relieved and there's laughter and hugs and Poe cannot contain his excitement, asking dozens of questions.

The next six months are a whirlwind. Mama's stomach grows and it isn't long before Poe can feel his baby brother or sister kicking as he tells him or her all about the adventures they are going to go on together. Mama eventually stops going into work and on some days Poe stays home with her to keep her company. He loves nothing more than lounging around with her, watching holos and drinking tea.

Breha Organa Solo comes into the world two weeks earlier than expected. The Solos are spending their mutual off day as they usually do, on board the _Falcon_. They've made a home on Hosnian Prime, but all three are still drawn to the ship. It's where their family first began after all. Leia is in the galley making lunch while the boys are in one of the maintenance hatches doing routine fixes. Poe is holding a loose pipe in place while Han attempts to tape it when there's a clatter from the galley.

"Han," she calls.

"Just a second!"

"My water just broke."

"I'll get you a new one," he shouts back up and the two of them continue on with their task.

After a brief moment her words catch up with them and they freeze simultaneously, slowly turning to stare at each other. Poe thinks they must look comical to his mother when one head pops up, immediately followed by the other. She's standing there, one hand on her hip the other on her belly, glaring at them. They scramble out of the hatch as quick as they can, Han muttering curse words as he almost falls back down. They race to the hospital and Poe waits anxiously outside the room they usher her and Han into. It's hours before his father comes out, a broad grin across his face. He puts his arm around Poe's shoulders.

"Wanna come meet your sister, pal?" he whispers, guiding Poe towards the door.

Poe enters the room to find his mother lying in bed, a small bundle in her arms. He's nervous but his father gives him a light nudge, encouraging him to move closer. He comes to a stop next to the bed and Leia smiles up at him moving over so he can take a seat on the bed. Poe thinks it's the most exhausted she's ever looked but the happiness is rolling off of her in waves. Before he knows it, she's handing the bundle over to him. He takes hold of her delicately, and he can't help but stare. She's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. She's so small and her face is scrunched up in a little frown and Poe's in love with her already.

"Her name's Breha," Mama tells him.

"Hello Breha," he whispers quietly, tracing her nose. "I'm your big brother Poe."

xxxxxxxxxx

He's 14 and tucked into the underbelly of the _Falcon_ , covered from head to toe in grease. He's been down there all day, patching up small fixes and assessing the damage. Han had just returned from a mission to the Outer Rim and while he had returned relatively unharmed the _Falcon_ had not.

"Is it fixed?"

Poe looks up and smiles at little Breha. She's got goggles on covering half her face and she's peering down at him expectantly.

"Not yet, could use a bit of help though if you're offering?"

Breha grins back and makes a move to come down and join him.

"Whoa Brey, careful. Here let me-" He reaches up and grabs her, pulling her safely down before returning to his squatting position with her in his lap. "There we go."

"What's wrong?"

"See the motivator there?" He points to it and she nods. "It's a bit loose. Not too bad, if it were really bad the propulsion tank would've overflowed by now and… Well..." he trails off, unsure just how in depth he can go. She is still quite young after all. "Anyways it needs to be tightened up here." He points again, reaching to the side to pick up a wrench. "Wanna give it a shot?"

She jumps off his lap, grabs the wrench, and immediately sets to work. She thrusts the wrench in towards the spot he was pointing and Poe jolts forward, nervous he may have to worry about poisonous gas after all.

"Hey hey hey you've gotta be careful with it. Softly softly catchy monkey."

"That's silly," she says, scrunching up her nose and giggling at him.

"Means be careful, be patient and it'll work out. Here, look." He takes her small hands in his and guides her with the wrench. "The key is to be delicate, rule number one with any ship - but especially the _Falcon_ \- is handle her with care. You be good to her and she'll be good to you." He helps her to finish tightening it and when it's done he lets out a laugh. "Well done Brey! You got it!" She giggles back at him and he kisses her on the side of the head before lifting her up over the opening of the maintenance hatch.

"Papa! Papa! I fixed the _Falcon_!" she's yelling excitedly, running off towards the cockpit before he's even up out of the hatch. He grabs a rag to wipe his hands off as he makes his way to follow her. Being an older brother has been one of the best things to happen to Poe. He still remembers how small she was when he'd first held her. He was amazed at how much she had grown and yet she was still so small. He loved every second of watching her grow up, watching her learn new things every single day. He loved how she would trail behind him or Papa while they fixed the _Falcon_ , listening as they explained to her how everything worked. He loved walking her to and from school every day, hearing how her day was. He didn't want her to ever grow up; he wanted to keep her just as she was now. He reaches the cockpit to find her sat in the co-pilot's chair, telling their father in detail just how she had helped him. Papa is leaning forward, listening intently with a smile.

xxxxxxxxxx

When he's 16, he steps off the _Falcon_ on Yavin 4. He's nervous. It's been years since the altercation with Ben but he hasn't been able shake the fear he felt for his young cousin that night. It creeps down his spine like ice every time he thinks of it, every time he's reminded of the Force and just what can be done with it. When his mother uses it to lift things off high counters it seems harmless, but Poe knows the other side of it. He's seen and felt what can be done when that power is used the wrong way. He doesn't think he'll ever forget that night. How could someone so small be so powerful? If he was that strong in the Force then, what could he do now? He knows there's no use worrying, he'll see his cousin again shortly and for all he knows Ben might not be so bad anymore. Right?

He trails behind his mother and Breha, who is talking animatedly and asking their mother as many questions as she possibly can about everything around them. Poe lets his gaze wander across the Jedi milling about around them. Uncle Luke had certainly expanded the group over the years. He hasn't been here since he was small, but he'd heard Uncle Luke talk about the numbers increasing. They are making their way towards the main temple located in the center of it all when he catches sight of a Jedi cataloging a shipment off to their right. _Cute_ is his first thought. His second is whether or not it's still against the Jedi code to form attachments. It must not be, if Ben is any indication and of course Poe isn't thinking _attachment_ attachment, just a nice time between- a whack across the back of his head breaks him from his thoughts and he realizes he's been caught staring by his father.

"Watch it pal, we're here about your sister not for you." Poe grins.

"Well if I'd known there were Jedi that looked like that I'd have asked you to sign me up ages ago. Is it too late?" Han rolls his eyes and puts his arm around his son.

"Pretty sure you need to be at least a little Force sensitive to even get an invite to the club."

"Then why the hell are the two of us here?" he asks with a laugh and Han gives his shoulder a squeeze in response.

"Because we're Solo men, and we do crazy things to make our girls happy." Poe follows his gaze in the direction of his mother. She is holding Breha's hand, smiling as she patiently answers the questions little Breha is throwing at her. He wonders if she knows just how much they worship her. Han through the loving eyes of a husband and Poe through the eyes of a son who can't fathom what he's done to deserve a mother like her. He sometimes feels guilty thinking that. Everything they've told him about his birth parents points to them being wonderful people, they probably would have been wonderful parents as well. But all he's ever known is these two, and he feels so damn lucky that the galaxy gave him them. He wishes it could have been different of course; wishes that there had been a way Shara and Kes hadn't had to lose their lives to bring him to Han and Leia. But as he looks off at his mother now, remembers her speaking with him the way she is with Breha, her keeping him safe and being his shoulder to cry on, he couldn't imagine his life any other way.

"Besides, he's not your type anyway," his father's voice cuts through his reverie. He glances back over his shoulder at the Jedi to find he's now watching them and Poe wonders if he knows they're talking about him. Poe throws a wink his way before turning back forward.

"I don't have a type."

"Whatever you say pal."

Poe catches sight of Uncle Luke standing at the top of the steps to the temple, and he tenses slightly when he sees Ben standing next to him. Han must feel it because he squeezes Poe's shoulder again.

"You alright?"

"Yeah I'm fine," Poe answers but he can tell he hasn't convinced his father. "Honestly Pop, I'm okay. Just a little nervous seeing him again."

"I know, but it's been a while. He was young." He sighs, patting Poe on the shoulder before letting go of him. "Look I don't like what he did to you, and I was hesitant for us to come out here. But I've gotta believe Luke when he says he's had proper training and understands his powers now. I'm sure he's better."

He isn't. Poe spends the day with Ben while his parents accompany Breha to her tests and he discovers the kid is just as miserable and angry as he remembers him being 9 years ago. It's beyond awkward and uncomfortable. Ben treats Poe as if he's beneath him as he shows him around the facilities and Poe wishes desperately he could be anywhere else. He can't believe he was actually scared of this brat. He's more annoying than scary - if Poe's being honest - and it's taking everything in his power not to snap on the kid. No amount of power in the force can make up for someone's insufferableness, Poe thinks to himself. He's all too relieved when his parents return with Breha and Uncle Luke. However the relief is short-lived when his mother pulls him away from the group after a short conversation.

"We're leaving tonight, but Breha is staying here," she says when she's got him alone. "Luke says she's got some of the best abilities he's ever seen. She's very strong with the Force."

"So we just leave her here? Just like that?" he asks, glancing back over at his sister. She's bouncing around Papa's legs, trying to get his attention while he converses with Luke. His eyes drift towards Ben, who's glaring down at Breha. He suddenly gets an uneasy feeling in his gut. He turns back to his mother, anxious. "I don't like this Mama, I've got a bad feeling about this."

"Sweetheart, I don't like it either but if she's as strong as Luke says she is then she needs to be trained. She needs to understand how to control it. I've told you about my father-"

"Yes so isn't that exactly why she _shouldn't_ be trained?" Poe knows there isn't a chance in hell Breha grows up to be like Vader but he's grasping at straws. He'd thought maybe Uncle Luke would say they should bring her back for training but he'd never thought they'd leave her here immediately.

"Poe," his mother says, exasperated. "We've made the decision. I'm sorry." She puts a hand on his shoulder. "She'll be okay, she's in good hands."

They rejoin the group and prepare to say their goodbyes. He kneels down in front of Breha and she's smiling up at him. He doesn't think she fully understands what's happening, so he puts a smile on his face so he doesn't scare her.

"You be good, ya hear?" She nods enthusiastically. "Be good and be careful."

"Softly softly catchy monkey!" she shouts back at him with a grin, and it takes everything in him not to cry.

"Exactly. Softly softly catchy monkey." the words catch in his throat. "I love you Brey, I'll come and visit you as soon as I can."

She throws her arms around his neck, and tells him she loves him too. He holds her close, and over her shoulder he catches a glance at his cousin. He's smiling, but there's something sinister about it; like he doesn't just think he's better than Poe, he knows he is. Poe looks away, holding his sister a bit tighter and hoping the uneasy feeling in his gut will go away soon.

xxxxxxxxxx

When Poe's 18 his entire world ends for a second time, only this one he remembers. He's near the end of his first year at the Academy, and what a year it has been. Poe always knew he wanted to be a pilot but he hadn't been entirely sure a life in the military was for him. He'd seen his father come back injured from too many missions – and had spent countless other times fearing he may not even _come back at all_ – that he'd written off a similar path for himself years ago. But when he'd toured the Academy he'd suddenly felt the overwhelming sense that he could do some good as a New Republic pilot, that he could help save lives.

"The opportunity to be the hero," his father had said with a clap on the back as he'd enlisted on the spot, "gets you every time."

"Or perhaps the idea of doing the right thing," his mother had countered.

He'd learned so much during his first year, not just about Han and Leia but about his birth parents as well. He'd heard the stories Han and Leia had told them, but to learn of the heroism of Shara and Kes from others was an amazing experience. He had so often seen people stand in awe of Han and Leia that he hadn't realized if his birth parents had lived, he'd probably have dealt with the same thing. They were icons of the rebellion; maybe not as much as Han and Leia were, but those at the Academy had been just as shocked he was a Dameron as they were that he'd been dropped off by the Solos.

Poe is in the flight simulator, practicing for the exam run he'd have in a few weeks time, when a fellow cadet comms him.

"Dameron, Dean Thrax wants to see you in his office. He says it's urgent."

"Copy that."

He powers down the simulator and pauses for a moment. He's hoping the dean wants to see him for a good reason but he can't help feeling a sense of dread that it's not good news. His mother had called a few days ago to let him know Pop had been sent out on a mission and he greatly hopes it has nothing to do with that. He takes a deep breath and begins to make his way to the dean's office.

When he arrives he's ushered in immediately which does nothing to relieve the fear now overtaking him. He's been called to the dean's office on 'urgent' matters before, and even then he'd had to wait. Bypassing those already waiting and being sent right in can only mean terrible news. Dean Thrax smiles solemnly.

"Poe, I'm sorry to have interrupted your studies-"

"Is it my father, sir?"

Dean Thrax sighs heavily. "Maybe you should have a seat."

"Is it my father?" Poe repeats, stressing each word. He doesn't want pleasantries or long winded explanations. If something's happened he just wants to know.

"Your sister."

"My- my sister?" Poe's confused, and suddenly he feels like he may need that seat after all. Please, _please_ he thinks. Not Breha.

"We just received word that there was an attack on the Jedi temple on Yavin. Reports state that there were no survivors." He says the last part tentatively, as if there is a way to soften the blow of telling him that his baby sister is dead. "I'm very sorry for your loss Poe. Now I've received orders to send you back to Republic City as soon as possible..."

Dean Thrax goes on for a while but Poe isn't entirely sure what he says after that. He's too in shock to process anything other than the fact that his sister – little, sweet Breha with the most infectious giggle and the bringer of so much joy to their family – is dead. What is one supposed to do after news like that? He feels like the world's been pulled out from under him; he doesn't feel like he can breathe. He always knew there was a possibility one of his father's missions could go wrong; he'd already lived through at least 4 attempts on his mother's life; but he'd never in a million years imagined something like this. The dean puts his arm around Poe and is leading him out the door.

Before he knows what is happening, he's on a transporter to Republic City. It's on the long ride that Poe has time to reflect. How could something like this happen? He'd seen for himself that there were enough Jedi Masters there to defend it. Wouldn't Uncle Luke have seen an attack coming? Couldn't he have been prepared for it? The sense of dread returns to Poe as the pieces slowly begin to fall into place. Maybe they hadn't been prepared because they'd been fooled into thinking they were safe. Maybe the attack had come from within. It hits Poe like a ton of bricks. Dean Thrax had said the reports stated there were no survivors, but Poe knows better. _Ben_. This was Ben.

A member of his mother's security escorts him to their apartment and when they arrive, it's to find her sitting in the living area in deep discussion with various military officers. Upon his arrival the officers excuse themselves, nodding in acknowledgment as they pass him out the door. He's left alone with his mother and suddenly he's not sure what to say or do. She's sat on the sofa, looking as defeated and exhausted as he's ever seen her. It breaks him all over again, seeing her this way. He's only ever known his mother as strong and defiant; even at her weakest moments, she has always appeared to him as the pinnacle of strength.

"Mama," he chokes out and he can't remember when he even started crying but he can suddenly feel his wet cheeks. He thinks of the first time he called her that, all those years ago after a man had tried to kill him because of her. He remembers that the word had been itching at the back of his throat for weeks before that. He'd listened to his friends at school talk endlessly about their mothers and he'd felt so envious that he'd had her in his life as a mother but couldn't call her that. He understood later when he was older why they had been hesitant to take those titles, the guilt they were worried they'd feel. He'd finally uttered the word in a moment of fear and pain, the first of many. Now here he is doing it again, only he isn't sure who is meant to comfort whom in this moment. He moves towards her, collapsing to the sofa and pulling her to him. He feels her begin to shake and he holds her tighter. He's not sure how long they stay that way.

"They told your father," she whispers into his shoulder after a time. "They haven't heard from him since."

"Where was he last?"

"Investigating disturbances near Tibrin."

He pulls away. He doesn't want to leave her but he knows what she is asking of him. She's lost so much already in her life; he knows she can't lose his father too. "I'll find him. I promise."

And he does. It takes him two weeks and six different planets but he finally tracks his father down in the Western Reaches on _Takodana_. The Falcon is nowhere in sight when he touches down outside the castle and he's worried maybe he was given incorrect information but he presses on. The outside of the castle is quiet and peaceful, and Poe is surprised at what he finds inside. It's not loud and rambunctious per se but it's definitely busy. He hesitates just inside the doorway and a large alien being steps in front of him.

"You look lost, boy," it growls at him. "Did you wonder away from your mother's teet?"

"Leave him be, Gamzi," a female voice says sternly. The alien stares at him for another moment before moving away and revealing a small orange being. She beckons him closer and he awkwardly kneels down near her. She leans in towards him until she's so close he can feel her breath on him. Her eyes are massive behind her glasses and Poe feels like she is staring into his soul.

"You must be Han's boy," she says. He swallows nervously and nods. "Ah yes, you look just like him."

"I'm not-"

"I know," she cuts him off. "But it is not just genetics from where we get our looks. You carry yourself the same as him. And your eyes-" she leans even closer which Poe didn't think was possible. "- Your eyes hold your emotions in the same way. Now, it is the same sorrow. You have lost greatly. I am sorry."

"Is he here?" He can't bring himself to acknowledge her sympathy. He's heard it countless times over the past two weeks and he's so exhausted from it he's ready to burst. "I didn't see the _Falcon_ but I was told he is here."

"He is here but he did not arrive on the _Falcon_. Come, I will show you to him."

She leads him out of the main room and through the winding halls of the castle. He thinks briefly on where the _Falcon_ could possibly be if not with his father. Crashed? Stolen? Or maybe his father had just forgotten where he'd left her in his grief. She stops outside a door and he's nervous what he'll find on the other side. She smiles softly at him before opening the door. He steps in tentatively and the first thing that hits him is the strong smell of whiskey.

"I'll give you some time," she says before closing the door behind him.

He spots Han at the far end of the room, huddled on the ground seemingly asleep with a near empty bottle in his hand. Great, Poe thinks. Just great. He makes his way over and gives him a nudge. Han jolts awake, his eyes drifting up to Poe unfocused. He doesn't say anything - only stares up at him - and the silence stretches on long enough that Poe wonders if he's too drunk to recognize him.

"You shouldn't be here," he eventually slurs.

"Neither should you," he snaps back, squatting down to be eye level. When he'd originally started this search, he'd been worried for his father. Now he's just angry and getting angrier by the second. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Having a drink," he says condescendingly, lifting the bottle. "That a crime?"

"I've been looking for you for two weeks."

"Well no one told you to do that."

"Ma did you stupid son of a bantha." He gives his father a shove. "We were worried about you. We thought-" he breaks off, his emotions are getting the better of him. He takes a deep, steadying breath. "We thought we'd lost you too."

Han's face hardens and he gives Poe a shove back. "Well you've seen me. I'm fine. Now go."

Something in Poe snaps. He's so exhausted and angry from the past two weeks. He wasn't even given time to mourn his sister, immediately sent on this journey to find his father and make sure he was okay. And here he is, drunkenly and selfishly hiding away. Before Poe realizes what he's doing, he's drawn his arm back and swung. His fist collides with his father's cheek and sends him reeling backwards.

"You're so selfish!" he yells as Han collects himself. "You think you're the only one who lost her?" He stands, pacing away from Han. He's breathing heavily, all the emotions from the past two weeks seeping out of him. When he turns to speak again, his voice is lowered. There are tears in his father's eyes and he can feel them in his too. "I haven't even gotten to mourn her. I have been chasing you all over this stupid galaxy because I just lost my baby sister; Ma just lost her daughter and her brother; and I'll be damned if we lose you too."

They're both openly crying now and just as he was unsure with his mother, Poe is again conflicted. He takes a step towards his father. His face is swelling up fast and Poe feels a little guilty.

"She doesn't wanna see me," Han whispers. "I've - I've caused her too much pain already."

Poe bends down, putting a hand on his father's shoulder. "Pop, you're all she wants right now." He pulls his father into a hug, holding the older man while he shakes from sobs. "Come home, Pop. Please."

He nods and Poe sits with him through the night while he sobers up. He tells Poe the _Falcon_ is lost, stolen away from him at some point during his drunken wandering. Poe says nothing, only pats Han on the shoulder as an apology. When he's ready, they leave Takodana. They don't discuss what happened there, and when Leia sees Han's black eye she says nothing. All that matters is that he's brought his father home, and the three of them grieve for Breha together. Poe returns to the Academy after a short time. He keeps the theories of Ben's involvement to himself, too afraid to bring them up to either of his parents and bring them further heartbreak. They're struggling enough as it is, and it had been hard enough leaving them to return to school. He isn't sure what the future holds for the three of them. He knows it'll never be the same again, but he hopes that he's done just enough to keep them from falling apart.

xxxxxxxxxx

Poe graduates from the Academy with honors at 22. He's already been offered a position at Mirrin Prime's base under Major Lonno Deso and the prospect of rising through the ranks quickly looks promising. His years in the Academy have done well to highlight his capabilities, and he finds that he's gained the respect of not only his peers but his superior officers as well. He's no longer seen as Han and Leia's kid only through to the Academy on nepotism; he's seen as a brilliant pilot and soldier in his own right, one that officers were clamoring to have on board with them.

Han and Leia come to his graduation ceremony and smile proudly from the front row. His father is wearing his formal military attire and his mother looks breathtaking in a green gown truly fit for a princess. At the reception after the ceremony, he lifts his mother off of her feet and spins her around. She laughs and it's the sweetest thing he's heard in ages. The past few years had been hard and he'd rarely seen either of his parents truly happy. But today they both appear in good spirits. He knows none of them will ever be over the loss of Breha, but he is hopeful that they can one day find peace again. He sets her down and she cups his cheeks, smiling up at him.

"Oh sweetheart, I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks Ma. You look beautiful." He nods at his father over her shoulder. "So does this mean I need to salute you now?"

"Yes and I expect to be called General or sir." In one hand he holds a package, but the other he holds out to Poe, who takes it with a firm shake. "I'm proud of you son."

"Thank you," Poe says, smiling. "It means the world to me you guys are here."

"Not just here," his father replies. "We come bearing gifts as well." He holds out the package. "Congratulations."

"Now honey, if you don't like it we can always-"

"Ma I'm sure I'm going to love it," he cuts her off with a grin.

He begins pulling away the paper and when he's removed it all, he holds up the gift. It's a flight jacket. A deep, rich brown with red on one shoulder and lining the pocket below the other. And it is wonderful.

"I know you've always wanted one of your own," Han begins. "And we figured now that you're officially a pilot… well, it's time you got one."

It is true. Poe had wanted one for as long as he could remember. When he was younger, he had run around the house wearing his father's, pretending he was on a great adventure to save the galaxy. As he got older, Pop had given him one of his old ones to keep but as much as he had loved it, it hadn't been his. There was just something about it, something that made it feel like an initiation. With this jacket, he is well and truly a pilot.

"I love it," he whispers. "It's brilliant." He hands the packaging to his father and immediately goes about putting it on. When it is on, he runs his hands down the front and flashes them a grin. "Well?"

"It's a bit big," Leia says. "But you look handsome nonetheless."

"He'll grow into it."

"Han, he's 22 I don't think he has much growing left."

"Ma! That's harsh!" he smiles as he says it. He knows he is a bit short; he'd embraced it a long time ago. _'Sometimes the smallest people can have the biggest fight in them'_ after all.

"Hey Poe!" He turns around to see Muran, a fellow graduate across the hall. "We're going for drinks, you coming?"

He hesitates, turning back to his parents.

"Go," his mother whispers. "Have fun. It may be your last chance before the work starts."

He smiles, hugs them both, and with his new flight jacket on he heads off for his first adventure as a pilot.

xxxxxxxxxx

When Poe is 25 he is the commander of his own squadron stationed at the base on Mirrin Prime. He's quite proud to be a commander and he is grateful to have a squad of great pilots and friends. Not to mention he's got a new and wonderful droid BB-8 who's already proving to be the best of the best. They're out patrolling trade lanes in the sector when Major Deso's voice comes over the comms.

"Commander Dameron, report back to base immediately."

"Yes sir," he replies. "Alright squad you heard the major, let's head back."

"No Commander," the major's voice comes through again. "Just you."

"Sir?"

"I've been given orders to have you returned to Republic City, I can't say anything else beyond that."

"Sir with all due respect, I'd much rather know what I'm being summoned back for now. Rather than wonder the whole way back to Hosnian Prime."

Poe knows he's out of line, but he's been here before. He can't stand the waiting, the not knowing. If something is wrong, if something has happened he feels it's only fair that he's told right away. He doesn't want any of that talking around the issue nonsense. There's a long silence before the major speaks again.

"Look Poe, I'm only telling you this because I like you. You're a good pilot and a good person. Your mother was pushed out of the senate and fled the city. Your father went AWOL shortly after. Neither has been seen for 2 weeks. I've been asked to debrief you by the higher ups."

Well, he wasn't expecting that. His mind starts racing with countless questions. The first being quite simply - _what?_ That didn't sound like anything either of his parents would do, and without contacting him? Was there something Major Deso wasn't telling him? Or did they think he was involved?

"Debrief?" he asked, "or interrogate, sir?"

"Poe," the major says in exasperation. "Just come in. I just have to ask you a few questions, you're not being arrested."

Unfortunately, that's exactly what Poe is worried is going to happen. The last time he had spoken with his mother, she had expressed concerns regarding the First Order, an organization that seemed to be rising from the Empire's ashes. She had told him that there were those in the Senate that refused to listen. She said they had been calling her a warmonger, and were choosing to turn a blind eye to the First Order's crimes. Had someone been listening to their conversations? Did they think he was involved? He knew there was no going back to Republic City. They would likely use him to lure one or both his parents back planet side and he just couldn't allow that. If they had fled, they had done so with good reason. Now, he would have to do the same.

"I'm sorry Major, but I'm going to have to decline." He begins flipping switches on his control panel. BB-8 whirs behind him, sounding concerned. "Muran, I'm leaving you in charge of Rapier Squadron. Guys, it's been great flying with you."

"Poe, don't do this," Muran says back through the comms.

"I have to. I won't be used to lure my parents back."

"You won't get far in that, not without backup. The odds of you-"

"We don't do odds in my family," Poe cuts him off. "May the Force be with you."

He puts the coordinates in for Kashyyyk - if he was to find his parents, he should look there first - and makes the jump into lightspeed. He sits back in his seat and tries to stop his arms from shaking. He's not entirely sure what path he's now set himself on, but he knows he's just made an enemy of the New Republic. Well, technically his parents had done that first. Regardless, it probably wasn't the wisest move to abandon his post like that. If his mother had had a plan, it probably didn't involve that. Some time later, BB-8 beeps a warning. They're passing through the Japrael system but something is wrong with the hyperdrive. The ship jolts under him.

"What are you saying, buddy?" BB-8 beeps again, this time more frantically. "It's damaged? Ah hell."

The ship jolts again, and Poe realizes with a sense of dread he's not going to make it to Kashyyyk. He drops out of hyperspace and grips the controls. BB-8 informs him that the closest planet is Onderon, thankfully a planet that has no ties to the First Order. Not that they really have a choice. They break through Onderon's atmosphere when the fourth engine dies. They're heading for the ground fast, and Poe has a fleeting thought that Muran was right, the moof-milker. The planet is mostly jungle as far as he can see, but he spots a small lake just below them.

"Hold on BB-8, this is gonna hurt."

He pulls up just in time and the X-wing glides precariously across the surface of the lake before crashing into the water. Poe's head slams against the roof on impact but he thinks nothing of it as he undoes the crash webbing and makes to exit the ship as fast as possible. BB-8 whirs behind him, and he climbs across the aircraft over to him.

"Don't worry buddy, I ain't leaving ya." He pulls at the droid, trying to dislodge it. He finally breaks him out, just before the craft begins to be submerged. He helps BB-8 through the water and onto the small beach nearby. He collapses to the shore, exhausted. Lying there, he realizes he's got a cut across his cheek that's bleeding pretty heavily and he's feeling just a bit lightheaded. "Okay, let's just lay here for a minute. I've just gotta – gotta catch my" BB-8 whirs above him but he can't focus and before he knows it, everything goes black.

He awakes some time later to find that the sun has set. It's dark and freezing and he's struggling to move. He feels like he's just been trampled over by a herd of banthas and his face is still burning where it's cut. He hears a noise behind him and he tenses. Please just let that be BB-8, he thinks to himself. If it's hostiles, he's screwed. He's gotten out of a lot of close calls but he can tell if it comes down to that, this won't be one of them. An older, human male appears in his field of vision, head tilted curiously to the side.

"You're Han Solo's kid, aren't you?" he asks.

 _Shit._ Poe has no idea how to answer that, on a foreign planet no less. There are two types of people in the galaxy - those who hear yes and want to buy him a drink, and those who hear yes and want to kill him. He doesn't feel like finding out which type this guy is but then again does he really have a choice?

"I might be. Who's askin?"

The man grins and squats down next to Poe. "Name's Lando Calrissian." _Thank the stars,_ Poe thinks. He doesn't think he's ever been happier to recognize a name. "Your father and I go way back. He's looking for you."

Lando helps Poe to his nearby speeder, BB-8 following closely behind. Lando explains that he's planet side on a job, transporting produce.

"You're smuggling _fruit_?"

"You'd be amazed at how much people are willing to pay for it."

Reports of his desertion had reached most systems quickly, the New Republic hoping to make an example of him. Shortly after, Lando had received a coded message from his father, who was reaching out to all his contacts for help finding Poe. Lando says it's luck he was on Onderon and had seen his X-Wing go down. Luck, fate, coincidence, the Force; Poe doesn't really care anymore. He just wants to find his parents and find out what the hell is going on.

It takes two days before Lando can secure him safe passage. He hides out on Lando's ship and does his best to recover from the crash. Lando's medical supplies were good but lacking and Poe can still feel an ache in his side as he steps on board the ship Lando's acquired to take him. The pilot rounds the corner and Poe lets out a holler. It's been a long while since he's seen Chewbacca, too long. Poe had still been fearful that Lando may double cross him - he doesn't know the man after all and he has heard about Bespin - but upon seeing the Wookie he feels he can finally relax.

It's another three days before they finally touch down on D'Qar. He's never been itching to get planet side so badly in his life. He can see his parents waiting for them while a dozen or so people mill about around them. He leaves Chewie to power down the ship, his crash webbing off before the ship's even touched down. He all but collapses into his mother's arms when he sees her. They hold on to each other tight, and his father puts a comforting hand on his back.

"Well, I've officially joined the family tradition of being a wanted criminal," he mumbles into her shoulder. She pulls away slightly, a grim look on her face.

"We have so much to discuss." She looks at his father and hesitates before he nods encouragingly. She turns back to Poe. "Luke is alive." She pauses, taking a deep breath and Poe can see the fear in her eyes. "And so is Ben."


	2. Those Distant Days All Flashing By

_Poe's 26th birthday takes a few interesting turns._

* * *

Poe spends his 26th birthday avoiding blaster fire behind a turned over table at a seedy bar on Nar Shaddaa. It isn't exactly how he saw the day going, but if he's honest with himself nothing in the past year has gone smoothly.

When he arrives he sits in a booth in the corner, where the lights are low and he has a view of all of the exits. He wouldn't underestimate how dangerous the planet could be, but the people on Nar Shaddaa didn't ask questions, didn't look twice which made it the perfect location to do this kind of business. The Resistance is in desperate need of supplies ranging from weapons to food to medical. They are receiving funds from some members of the Senate who support his mother but it isn't enough. 'It's never enough when it comes to war,' his mother had said. A crew had been tasked with gathering extra funds and supplies from throughout the galaxy. He is due to meet a member of the crew at this bar to discuss the shipment being transferred to his crew, as well as handing over a list for what they would need next. However, he's been sat in the booth for over an hour and still his contact has not shown. He's beginning to debate retreating back to his ship when a familiar face walks through the door.

"You're not supposed to be here," he says as his father slides into the booth.

"I wasn't gonna be on the same planet as you and not see you, today of all days. Happy birthday son."

Han had spent the past year getting in touch with his old contacts from his smuggling days, doing his best to work his way back into the business. Poe hasn't seen him in nearly a year, just a short week after he'd touched down on D'Qar with Chewie. There just hadn't been _time_ ; he'd barely had time to settle in and adjust to everything his mother had told him - Uncle Luke had escaped the Temple massacre and had gone into hiding and Ben… he couldn't think of Ben - before he'd been assigned work and his father and Chewie had flown off to gather the much needed help and supplies. Originally, Poe had been in charge of recruitment for the Resistance, and while he knew his father had made several drops over the past year he hadn't been involved in any capacity. He'd thought he'd been assigned to this one because they were short on manpower but he's beginning to think his mother knew something like this would happen; as though she was giving him the opportunity to see his father, as it was unlikely to happen again for a while.

"Thanks Pop," he says. "But really you should be-"

"Chewie's taking care of it," he says with a wave of his hand. "It'll be fine. Him and that friend of yours Muran have it covered. The cargo's being loaded onto your ship as we speak. There's something extra for you, a birthday present."

Poe grins. There's no doubt it's something for his x-wing. He knows his parents have been communicating through these shipments, and he is sure his mother has told Han all about the work he's been doing to the x-wing he'd been given. He's looking forward to seeing what his father's gotten him. He can't wait until he's finally back with them and they can work on the ship together.

"I appreciate it," he says with a pat to his father's shoulder, successfully slipping the datacard into the jacket pocket just below. It contains the information for what is needed for his next shipment. "You gonna be back with us any time soon?"

"We'll have to see how this next run goes. Hopefully after that, for a time."

"Any openings on your crew? I could help you get it done quicker, get you home."

His father laughs, and Poe grins back. He can only imagine the trouble they would get into (and out of) if they had the chance to work together.

"That would get out of hand very quick," Han says. "Besides, your mother needs you more than I do."

It's true. As much fun as it would be working with Pop, he knows he's needed more back at base. He's still heavily involved in recruiting with his ties to the New Republic Starfleet and he knows it won't be long before they're needed in battle. The First Order is getting bolder. Just last week there were reports they had commandeered a freighter, the _Yissira Zyde_ from the Mirrin Sector. Poe felt guilty, wondering if things could have been different if he and his squadron had been there, but ultimately he knows it probably wouldn't have mattered. Besides, even if he hadn't deserted, he most likely still would not have been in the Sector. The New Republic made that much clear. Regardless, they'd blatantly violated the Galactic Concordance and even if the New Republic continued to turn a blind eye, the Resistance would need to step forward soon.

Poe's attention is drawn to the door his father had come through. Four men wearing all black have entered and are scanning the room. Poe has a feeling he knows who they're looking for. He kicks Han's leg lightly under the table.

"We've got company."

Han glances over, hand already going to his blaster. Poe wonders briefly if they're from the New Republic. They're both still wanted for desertion, even if some Senators had worked to keep the New Republic's forces at bay. His curiosity is quickly cut short when they finally notice Poe and Han and reach for their basters. Poe had been informed the order was to bring them in without the threat of force. _First Order agents it is then_.

His father mutters a curse in Corellian as he stands and draws his blaster. He fires a quick shot and takes one of them out as Poe flips the table for cover. They both duck behind it to avoid the shots being fired by the remaining three. Poe draws his blaster as well and fires a few shots around the edge of the table to keep the men at bay. He hears a lot of commotion and risks a glance around. The place has cleared out, and it seems the agents have taken cover behind the bar.

"Two booths over there's a trap door under the table," his father whispers, nodding over Poe's shoulder. "Leads under the building, let's you out three streets over."

"How-" he's cut off as blaster fire rains down on the table shielding them.

"This isn't my first time in a situation like this here. Get there, I'll cover you."

With that he's up over the table, firing shots. Poe casts a quick glace in the direction of the bar before running to the designated booth. He slides under the table and flips it the same way he did the other one. He spots one of the men behind the bar jump up, blaster raised towards where his father still hides. Luckily he doesn't see Poe who fires and takes him out. He keeps firing and before long Han joins him behind the new table. He looks down at the floor and the back up at Poe.

"Wrong booth," he says with a sheepish look.

"You said two over, I went two over."

Han scratches his cheek and doesn't answer.

"Kinda running low on time here Pop," Poe continues as the agents fire more shots in their direction.

"One more over I'm sure of it," Han answers.

"Like you were sure it was two over?"

He points his finger at Poe, an annoyed and stern look on his face but says nothing. The agents are still firing and Poe doesn't think they're going to let up any time soon. It's too risky to try and steal a glance. With a deep breath, Poe turns to Han.

"Follow me, stay low."

Poe grabs the center leg of the table and lifts it slightly off the ground. He glances back to make sure his father is following him before he begins to move, carrying the table as a shield. Pieces of the table are splintering off from the blaster fire so Poe keeps his head down. He hears his father return fire a few times before they finally reach the next booth. Thankfully, Han is right this time. Poe sets the table down and knocks the new one over next to it. He makes to open the trap door he finds underneath it while his father continues to return fire. He hears a shout of pain from across the room as he opens the door and jumps down through it.

xxxxxxxxxx

It lets them out just like his father said, in an alley three streets over. Han begins leading him through the streets, putting as much distance between them and the bar as they can.

"It was the First Order," Poe says after they've been walking for some time. "Do you think they went after the ships?"

"Not sure. I've run into those kinds of groups before, they tend to be small. I doubt they've got any more guys with 'em. Should get back though, just in case."

Han pats the pocket Poe had slipped the datacard into. Satisfied it's still there, he turns to Poe and smiles somberly. Poe hadn't been expecting to see his father, but now that he's here – and they'd had such a short amount of time together – Poe is having a hard time gearing up for a goodbye. It had been nice, having a reminder of what life was like before all of this. It had only been a year but it felt so long ago, when he last was able to just sit and have a conversation with his father. He hopes he doesn't have to wait much longer before the three of them can be reunited, even if it won't be the same. It'll be _something_.

"It was good to see you, pal. I'm sorry we didn't get much time to talk."

"Not your fault," Poe says with a shrug. "But you can make up for it by coming home soon."

"I'll try, after this next run. I promise." He pulls Poe into a hug. "Stay out of trouble."

"You know that's not likely," Poe says with a laugh, pulling away. "But I promise whatever I get into, I'll get out of."

"Good enough. I'll see you soon. Happy birthday Poe."

Poe nods his thanks and waves goodbye as they turn away from each other to go their separate ways. Poe glances back over his shoulder one last time. He was grateful to see his father, even for the brief time they were afforded. It had been hard having him away from them for the past year, but he knew that this was what was needed. Their numbers were growing every day and hopefully soon, they would have the manpower to send others out on runs and give his father and Chewie a reprieve. But until then, the two were the best option for these supply runs. Poe watched his father turn a corner before looking away. He put his head down and carried on walking through the streets back to his ship. Just one more supply run, he thought to himself. One more run and then Pop could come home to them. He was already counting down the days.

xxxxxxxxxx

Poe gets back to the ship and thankfully finds nothing amiss. Karé is stood just outside it on a datapad, most likely cataloging their freight. When his mother had asked him to recruit members, Rapier Squadron were his first thought. _'Do you trust them?' 'With my life'_. He can still remember their faces when they'd been brought into the briefing room by Major Ematt to find him and his mother sat waiting for them. It was about 2 months after he had deserted, and he was delighted to see them and he could tell they were delighted too. They had barely waited for him to finish explaining why they were there before they had signed up for the cause. Now they worked closely together, and they had joined him for this run.

"Hey, everything okay here?" he asks Karé as he approaches.

"All fine, how'd it go on your end?" she takes in his disheveled appearance with a curious glance. "Not too well from the looks of it."

"I've had meetings go better. We should get going, I'll explain on the way back to base. Everything accounted for?"

"And then some. They got a little extra of everything, the General will be happy. Plus there's something there for you." She nods up into the ship. "Go see for yourself."

He makes his way up into the hold, surveying their new cargo. Iolo's still moving boxes around and Poe nods to him as he passes. He can tell just from the size of it all that it's more than what was asked for. As he's wandering, he spots a large box with his name on it, and opens it. _Oh my stars._ Muran's come up behind him and is looking over his shoulder.

"Paint?" he asks incredulously. "Your pop got you _paint_ for your birthday?"

Poe grins. Not just any paint. Black, sensor-scattering ferrosphere paint. _Pop, you hero._

"You thought it was hard to track my x-wing before," he says, turning to Muran with a smirk. "Just you wait."

When they get back to D'Qar, his mother greets them with a crew to unload the cargo. She's smiling at him knowingly. "Did you have a good birthday?" As if she doesn't know the answer to that already. He slings an arm around her shoulders with a grin and leads her back towards the base, already starting the story.

* * *

 _A/N: Thanks again for reading! Hope you've enjoyed it xx_


	3. I Don't Need Your Deepest Secrets

Hey guys, apologies for the delay in posting on here. Thanks to those who reviewed. Here's the next 4 chapters, hope you enjoy xx

* * *

Poe's 29 and injured on a field mission to Utapau. He's fine really, just a couple scrapes here and there and a nasty headache, but Dr. Kalonia insists he stays in medical overnight so that they can monitor him. Poe huffs at the idea of staying bed ridden for that long. It's only just after lunchtime. He's beginning to protest but she won't listen, holding up her hands and making her way towards the door.

"I'm sorry Poe but you took a nasty hit to the head," she says. "It's just a precaution you can go in the morning, I promise."

"Honestly doc, I feel fine." This isn't entirely true. His head feels like his brain is trying to burst out of his skull and the lights are entirely too bright in this room, he's having a hard time keeping his eyes open.

"It's just a precaution." She repeats, before turning to the door. "Besides, I don't want to have to explain to your mother why I released you early when you collapse in the mess in an hour."

Poe rolls his eyes at that as she leaves the room. It's been happening more frequently, people commenting on the fact that his mother is the head of the Resistance. In the early days when they were just starting, no one said anything. They had taken to calling each other by their respective titles of General and Commander so that people wouldn't make too much of it; so that they would understand their roles in this fight came first. But it had been four years and their numbers had grown drastically and sometimes it seemed to Poe that people got a bit distracted by it. It annoys Poe to no end.

The remarks made in passing – like when someone tells him his mother, not General Organa, is looking for him - are annoying, but what Poe finds frustrating the most is the way others acted as if because he is her son, he can do or say things that others can't. Just last week, he'd tried encouraging Snap to speak out after confiding in Poe that he disagreed with her latest training drills, and the other pilot had not responded well.

 _"She's not all powerful," he'd said. "She wants people to challenge her, wants to hear different views and opinions. If you disagree with her, tell her. She'll listen."_

 _Snap had shrugged awkwardly. "Yeah but I'm not her son. I can't talk to her like that. Could you maybe say something?"_

Poe didn't say anything, even though he disagreed too. He'd done it out of stubbornness and annoyance. He is sick of people coming to him in regards to her. If anything, that is undermining her authority more than if they challenged her themselves.

Poe's eyes start to droop and he yawns. Doc must have given him some sort of sedative. Maybe that isn't so bad, he thinks. The headache is killing him; he doesn't think he can stand it for much longer. Sleeping through it will hopefully help. As he drifts off to sleep, he decides that he'll have to say something to Ma later about the growing list of those who wouldn't call her General.

xxxxxxxxxx

He wakes some time later to find the lights dimmed, for which he's entirely grateful. His head still hurts, but the pounding headache has receded slightly. He turns his head and finds his mother in the seat next to his bed, reading off a datapad. She's clearly been there a while, her shoes are off and her feet are pulled up under her. She looks up at him and smiles, putting the datapad down.

"S'it mornin yet?" he mumbles.

She shakes her head. "Just dinnertime. Here, I brought you some food from the mess." She lifts a tray off the table next to her and his stomach growls at the sight of it. He reaches out and takes it from her, settling it on his lap. It's some sort of stew, with a piece of bread and some vegetables. At least he thinks they're vegetables. Most of the food from the mess is edible but unidentifiable, having come from various planets across the galaxy. He grunts a thank you as he digs into the food. They sit in relative silence while he eats and she goes back to whatever report she's reading on her datapad. He's grateful she's here. He's sure she was busy but he takes comfort in her putting her duties on pause to come keep him company. She knows how much he hates being grounded, let alone being confined to medical.

"I'm adding Dr. Kalonia to my list," he says as he swallows his last bite of food before putting the tray to the side. She looks at him like she has no idea what he's talking about. "The list of people who insist on addressing you as my mother and not General."

She rolls her eyes at that. It doesn't bother her as much as it bothers him. "Really Poe, why do you care?" she asks. "Are you embarrassed of me?"

"Of course I'm not embarrassed Ma. I just don't want people to think I get special treatment because I'm your son."

"Sweetheart, the only one who thinks that way is you." She shrugs. "If anything, I think people are jealous."

"Jealous?"

"Well, you are the only one with not one but both parents here. I think some people are a bit jealous of that, and wish they could have their parents or other members of family here too. But I also think they're okay with it because it reminds them what they're fighting for - their own families back home. You, me, your father; I think we give them hope. And what you see as people thinking you have special treatment, I see as people respecting the relationships."

He hadn't thought of it like that, but it makes sense. Maybe them insisting on titles had seemed cold, too militaristic. However over the years people had obviously seen that their relationship was anything but, and they had decided to respect that. Poe likes the idea of that, the more he thinks about it. He smiles. Maybe the people on his list were due a thank you and not a lecture.

"You are so wise, Mama," he says with a grin.

She waves her hand dismissively and looks back down at her datapad, flicking through her report. "You may be force sensitive but some insight just comes with age," she says offhandedly.

Poe freezes. _What?_ Did he hear her correctly? She continues flicking through the report on her datapad before her hand pauses mid swipe, her words seemingly catching up with her. She glances back up at him, and for a moment they do nothing but stare at one another.

"Did… did you just say-?" He can't finish the thought and he looks away for a moment. He takes a deep, steadying breath and tries to collect his thoughts. Maybe he had misheard her, he thinks to himself before turning back to her. He can clearly see she hadn't meant to say it, but something tells him there's no turning back now. "I'm- I'm force sensitive?" Even just saying it doesn't feel right to him. Surely it can't be true.

She sets the datapad down. "I don't know if you remember," she begins tentatively, "but when you were 3 we took you to Yavin to see Luke." He shrugs; he remembers the trees but not much else. "Luke, he- he invited us there because of you. He said your mother, Shara had been force sensitive and he wanted to see if you were too. He wanted you to be one of the first, you and Ben; A new generation of Jedi."

"And?"

"I said no," she says quietly. "He wanted us to leave you there. We'd only had you a year, I couldn't-" she breaks off, choked up. She's silent for a moment, collecting herself. Poe's only ever seen his mother cry once in his life but there are tears in her eyes now. "I loved you," she finally says, "and I couldn't just leave you there, after everything. I _wouldn't_."

His mind's reeling. The pounding pain has come back at full force and he's having a hard time taking all of the new information in. He was force sensitive? Why hadn't they ever said anything? More importantly, what about Breha?

"But Breha," he says turning back to her. "Why did you leave her?"

She flinches and he feels a bit guilty about his wording. But he has to know. How could she say she wouldn't leave him but had left Breha there so easily?

"It was a different time. Vader was still fresh in my mind and Luke didn't even have a plan, a foundation. All he had was a house and a baby and hope. I didn't want to leave her either but at least then he'd had something established."

Poe's struck with the thought of him being there. What would it have been like, to be a Jedi? And suddenly, it hits him. If they had sent him, he'd have been there for the attack. His confusion is slowly turning to anger.

"I could've been there," he says, voice rising. "I could've been there when he… I could've saved her."

"I won't live on what ifs and could haves," she says defiantly. "It would have destroyed me a long time ago."

He's angry. He's angry with her and Pop for lying to him, he's angry with them for sending Breha away and he's angry with himself. He's always felt guilty over Breha's death. He knows there's nothing he could have done but the guilt still gnaws away at him in his darkest moments. He was meant to keep her safe; he failed her. This revelation makes the guilt come crashing back. He's not like his mother. All he can think of now is _what if?_

"He'd have killed you too, Poe," she whispers, drawing him out of his thoughts. She's right - of course she's right - but that doesn't make the pain go away.

"I need to-" He moves to get out of the bed and she stands.

"Poe you're hurt, lie back down."

He can't though; he needs to get out of here. He can't breathe, the walls feel like they're closing in around him. He gets up from the bed, brushing off her attempts to stop him and he's out the door. He walks quickly through the halls of medical and out into the cool night. People are milling about and some throw him a curious glance as he walks past. He must look ridiculous with his shirt half unbuttoned, bacta patches littering his shoulders and upper chest. Someone calls his name but he pays them no mind as he stumbles through the base and out into the nearby forest.

xxxxxxxxxx

His father finds him sometime later. He's not entirely sure how long he's been sat against the tree - he doesn't even know where in the forest he is exactly, he'd just kept going until his legs had given out - but the sun set a while ago. He hears the approaching footsteps before his flight jacket appears in his field of vision. He hadn't realized how cold he is, he only notices now that he's shivering. He doesn't move to take the jacket, so Han places it on his lap as he sits next to him.

"Been looking for you," he says. "Had to get Chewie to help sniff you out. You've got him worried." Poe doesn't say anything, just keeps staring ahead. "Poe put the jacket on, you're shaking." Still he says nothing. His father sighs and reaches to take the jacket from him but Poe grips it tightly.

"You lied to me," he says quietly. "Whole life you just - you just lied to me."

"We didn't lie to you, we just didn't tell you the whole- Poe -"

Poe moves to stand but his legs give out from under him and he collapses forward onto the forest floor. _Fuck this_ , he thinks. _Fuck the guilt, fuck the pain, fuck the galaxy for everything it's taken from him; from all three of them_. He feels so _empty_. He should have been there to save her and he wasn't. _What if?_ The tears come quick and he's not sure anymore if he's shaking from the sobs or the cold. The jacket's under him but he doesn't think he can move right now.

He feels his father's hands on his arms and he slowly lifts him. He puts the jacket around Poe's shoulders and pulls him into his chest. Poe thinks of when he was little and he would have nightmares. Pop would bundle him up and sit with him in the blue chair. He'd point out all the different stars and planets to Poe, telling him stories about each one until he'd drift off to sleep, soothed by the sound of his voice and the safety and comfort of his embrace. Now, sat here crying into his father's shirt as he holds him, he feels like a little kid again. He wants to _be_ a little kid again; to go back to what life was like before the pain, before this war, before he knew what it was like to love his baby sister so wholly, only to have her ripped away from them.

"You're right," Pop says. "We should have told you. I'm sorry."

It's something but it's not enough. Poe can't shake the feeling that maybe, perhaps somewhere in another life where different decisions were made he was there. His parents had sent him to Luke and he'd been there. Or maybe somewhere in another life they hadn't sent Breha away either; they had stayed together and she would be here with them.

"You were so young," Pop continues, "and we loved you. Stars help us but we already thought of you as our son. We couldn't imagine leaving you, so soon after everything. We wanted to protect you. And then a few years later we discussed it again but then someone tried to kill you and your mother – and me – we couldn't let you out of our sights. Not after that. But Breha-" His voice breaks, and he holds Poe to him tighter. "Luke said she had some of the best abilities he'd ever seen. Said she could be one of – if not the best – Jedi. Your mother didn't wanna leave her, she was too afraid exposing her to the Force would expose her to not just the light side but the dark as well. She didn't want her to end up like Vader. But I convinced her, told her Brey needed to learn to harness her power, needed to understand it. When we got the news that she… I was afraid your mother would blame me. I blamed me. I don't think I'll ever stop blaming myself." He's silent for a moment. "We made our decisions Poe, and we'll have to live with them for the rest of our lives. But those decisions are on us. You can't let them eat away at you. You can be mad at me but _please_ , don't be mad at your mother. She's only ever wanted to protect you. Both of you."

Poe's not mad, not anymore. He's just so exhausted, physically and emotionally. He knows he'll never be over the loss of Breha. But he understands now that there's no point being angry with two people who grieve for – and feel guilty for - her loss just as much as him. "I'm sorry Papa," he whispers into his father's shirt. "I'm so sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Come on, let's get you back inside." He moves to lift Poe up before thinking better of it. "Hey Chewie! Could use a hand over here!"

Chewie emerges from the dark forest, growling at Han that as little cub's father, he should be able to help him by himself.

"He ain't little anymore, and I'm old. If I try and lift him you might have to carry us both back." Chewie bends down and easily scoops Poe into his arms, while reminding Han that he is significantly older than him. "Yeah yeah yeah and what's that in human years, 20?"

Poe mumbles his thanks into Chewie's arm and he gets a comforting nuzzle in return. He dozes off on the walk back to base, only waking when they've entered medical. He protests, he needs to go see his mother.

"You're exhausted pal, just get back in bed and I'll have her come down," Pop says.

"No, I've gotta go see her." He moves, dropping from Chewie's arms, stumbling slightly. Both Chewie and his father move toward him but he holds up his hands. "I'm fine." Once again, this isn't true. But he's determined to do this.

He finds her in the command center, speaking with some of the controllers on duty. Her back is to him so she doesn't see him come in, but the others do. A few of them go wide-eyed - if he didn't assume before that he looks a mess, he knows now - and he can hear his mother stop speaking before she turns toward him. The look on her face nearly breaks him. She looks so worried and fearful, not just for him but because of him. It hits him then just how bad he had left her earlier and he feels guilty for what she must have been going through the past few hours; not knowing where he was, not knowing if he was going to be angry with her or if he'd forgive her. He's gotta fix it. He walks delicately over to where she's stood, smiling softly first at her and then the crew around her.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'd like a moment with my mother please." He catches the way her eyes light up at the title and his smile widens a bit. She nods at the crew and they disperse, returning to their stations. She's still looking at him nervously, and he can feel his face fall. He doesn't feel like he can speak. He knows what he wants to say, but he can't seem to put it into words. He regrets storming out of medical, leaving her there with her thoughts. He should've stayed, should've listened to what she had to say, and should've told her how he felt, not just stormed off and in the state he's in no less. She saves him from his thoughts by speaking first.

"Poe, you should go lie down. You look exhausted."

 _She's only ever wanted to protect you._ How right Papa was. Even now, her only concern is him, that he's okay. Without another thought, he steps forward and gathers her into his arms. Her arms come around his back and they stand there for some time, holding onto each other. As he hugs her, he realizes there's no need for words. She knows.

"I love you, Poe," she says, pulling away from him. "So very much."

"I love you too Mama."

She smiles, brushing the hair out of his eyes the way she used to when he was little. It's a bit of a reach for her now, but she does it lovingly all the same. "Now will you please go get in bed? You look like you're gonna fall over."

Chewie and Pop reappear and they help him back to medical where Dr. Kalonia chastises him for leaving, telling him he's likely made his condition worse. He mumbles halfhearted apologies as he crawls back into bed. At this point, he's alright with the idea of spending a few days sleeping in medical. By the time his head hits the pillow, he's already half asleep. His mother leans into his field of vision, tucking the blanket around him.

"You be 'ere when I wake up?" he mumbles.

She smiles and kisses his cheek. "Of course sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere."

He's grateful and as his eyes close he thinks again on how lucky he is to have her and Pop. He knows they will need to talk, but it can wait until morning. For now, he's content to give his battered body some rest.


	4. Cold To The Bone So Alone I Can Taste It

He's never thought much on the lack of romance in his life. He's had a few relationships here and there, but in the past few years he's been so caught up with the Resistance, there just hasn't seemed to be any time. And the time he has found for the chance to pursue endeavors of the romantic kind, he's found himself not all that interested in continuing beyond a few nights or so. The longest romantic relationship he's had in the past 6 years hadn't lasted longer than 3 months.

But sat in the mess hall during a small party thrown for his 30th birthday, Poe's reminded of just how lonely he is. He's sitting with Iolo and Muran, a pint of ale in his hand. Iolo is trying to convince Muran to ask for a dance with the new flight tech he's been making eyes at for the last week. Poe's not paying much attention to their conversation. In fact, he's not paying much attention to anything at all, lost in his thoughts. He hadn't really wanted this party in the first place. He'd only really agreed to it because his squadron wouldn't stop haggling him about his birthday and Ma had said a party would be a good chance for everyone to let off some steam.

It's not that he doesn't like his birthday - in fact he's always been enthusiastic about it - it's just that he's been so tired as of late. He and Black Squadron had only returned a few days ago from visiting the Crèche in search of Lor San Tekka. He'd spent every night since pouring over maps and records with his mother, trying to figure out where Tekka could have gone next. He's exhausted, and all he really wants right now is to crawl back into bed and sleep for the next three days (at least), not sit here and smile and thank people for coming to a party he didn't even want in the first place.

"Poe?" Iolo's voice snaps him out of his reverie. "You coming?"

"What?"

Iolo rolls his eyes. "Muran's gonna ask Luna for a dance. I said we'd come with and ask her mates. You in?"

He hesitates, casting a glance towards the women in question. He wants to - really he does - but the thought of dancing and maintaining conversation; having to pretend he's enjoying himself; he'd rather not invest the effort. "Nah count me out. Had a few too many of these I think," he says, raising his glass to them. "You guys go ahead though."

Iolo eyes him for a moment, likely doubting his claim of drunkenness. Eventually he lets it go and stands to follow Muran, who is already half way across the room. "Suit yourself, man. But I'm gonna come back in a bit and get you. It's your own party, you've gotta dance at some point!" With that he's off after Muran. Poe watches him leave before letting his gaze wander across the party. Nearly everyone on base had shown up, save a few who had stayed on duty for obvious reasons. As the son of General Organa, he had made an effort to get to know everyone within the Resistance to some degree. He considered himself friends with nearly everyone, especially those who have been here for years now. He's not surprised those who were able to have turned up for the party. That and the free alcohol of course.

Across the room, his parents catch his eye. They're sitting huddled close together in the corner of the room at a table with Chewie and Malla. Pop's arm is slung casually around the back of Ma's chair, their faces so close they're nearly touching. Pop's saying something quietly to her and she's laughing at him, her hand on his cheek. She looks so happy, he thinks. Happier than she's looked in a long while and Poe wonders if maybe she had needed this party most of all. The strain of trying to find Uncle Luke had been weighing heavily on her as of late. They are so close he can feel it. They just need to find Tekka first.

He looks away from his parents and down into glass. He feels bad for it, but he can't help the envy he feels looking at his parents. They're so happy and he's happy for them – of course he's happy for them – but a part of Poe wonders when he'll be able to have that. Will he ever meet someone who makes him as happy as they make each other? Will he ever make someone that happy? Downing his drink, he leaves the glass on the table and heads towards the closest exit. He casts one last glance back towards his parents. They're fully engrossed in each other and he takes the opportunity to duck out the door. He just wants to be alone right now. No one will notice he's missing until later.

xxxxxxxxxx

He's halfway back to his quarters when he hears a familiar voice behind him.

"Who are you? And what have you done with my son?"

 _So close._ He stops and turns to look back at his mother. She's stood at the end of the corridor, arms crossed and a wry smile on her face. It's the look she used to give him when he was little and she'd find him hidden under one of the food tables at those gala dinners. She'd give him that look before breaking into a grin, crawling under to join him. They'd sit there under the table - he in his fancy little suit and her in an elegant, flowing gown - trying to guess who was stood in front of it based on their feet. They'd giggle about Papa being left to fend for himself out amongst the senators and bureaucrats. And when he approached the table, she'd reach out and tickle his leg and he'd pull up the tablecloth and glare at them, sending them into more fits of laughter. There were no tablecloths tonight; nowhere to easily hide.

"Very funny," he tells her as she makes her way towards him. "It's me."

"Is it? My Poe would never leave any party early, and most certainly not his own."

"I was hoping no one would notice me gone," he says with a shrug. "Just wanted to sneak out and get some sleep."

"Sweetheart, you're brilliant at many things but sneaking around has never been one of them."

He huffs. "I'll have you know I'm great at sneaking around. You wouldn't know because you've never caught me before now."

She smiles fondly at him. She links her arm through his and begins leading him down the hall, away from the party. "Actually the few times I did catch you, I just let you go anyways. Didn't want to spoil your fun. Of course there was the debacle with Senator Ulloa."

Gods he'd forgotten about that and he feels his cheeks getting red at the memory. It feels so long ago, and it hits him that it's because it _was_ so long ago. He's _thirty_. It's nearly half a lifetime since he was that teenager, stumbling upon the Senator in his study late one night. It hadn't take the man long to figure out what Poe was doing there, and he'd nearly fallen the twenty stories to the ground trying to climb back out the window and into his speeder before the Senator could get his hands on him. "In my defense, she told me the third window on the left. How was I supposed to know she meant from the inside looking out?"

She rolls her eyes at him. "Well. We're certainly fortunate he was willing to overlook your indiscretion. I don't know where we'd be without the funds he's sending our way."

He doesn't think she's giving herself enough credit but he says nothing. Sometimes he doesn't think she realizes just how much the people she comes across respect her. Regardless of his failed attempt to sneak into Pim Ulloa's room for a late night rendezvous, the Senator still would've helped with the Resistance in some capacity. He wonders briefly what Pim is doing these days.

Last he'd heard she had graduated from University and had pursued a career in politics much like her father. Ma had liked that about her. She was fiery, set in her beliefs and opinions but loved a good debate and hearing others views. She and Ma had often sat and had conversations at length about the state of the New Republic and the path forward. It made sense why Ma had been so nonchalant in dealing with his so called 'indiscretion' at the time; she'd have been delighted if he'd settled down with someone who was so much like her. Then again, he thinks, he could probably bring home a gundark and Ma would love him or her nonetheless.

They spend the rest of the walk in silence. It isn't long before he realizes where they're headed, and when they arrive at her and Pop's quarters, she palms open the door with her free hand and ushers him in. It's quite small by command standards. The only thing separating it from the quarters of the troops is the small sofa and a private fresher. It's no surprise, his parents had never been interested in anything lavish, and they hadn't wanted to appear as though they were above the others. It had gone down well with the members of the Resistance; most things his parents did tended to.

She encourages him to sit on the small sofa while she moves over towards the bed. "I got you a little something," she says, rummaging through her nightstand. "Well your father got it, but I told him what I wanted, he just needed to find a way to get it." She finds what she's looking for and moves to sit next to him, holding a small box. "Consider it from both of us," she says, handing it over to him.

He takes it from her with a smile. It's not worth reminding her he asked for no presents. Besides, he'd known even when he'd said it that she was going to ignore him. He lifts open the lid and moves aside a piece of cloth protecting the gift. Nestled inside is a beautiful, antique watch. He lifts it out of the box, turning it over in his hands to get a good look at it. It looks old fashioned but at the same time appears shiny and new.

It feels weightless, light as a feather in his palm. Its straps are rich brown leather that feel soft to the touch, but his eyes are drawn to the watch itself. It's silver and an intricate design is etched across the back of the watch as well as on the face behind the ticking hands. It appears to be an upside down triangle of interweaving curves. He runs his thumb over the design on the back. It looks familiar, but he can't place where he's seen it before.

"It's the Crest of Alderaan," she explains, "and the straps are Corellian leather. Your father had it made by a vendor in Market Row on Bespin."

"Oh mama, it's wonderful."

She smiles, clearly relieved he likes it. How she thinks he could ever dislike something she's given him is beyond him. She leans towards him to press a button on the side of the watch face. It rotates up and away, revealing a second one below it. "The first face is a watch, but this one is a compass," she tells him. "It will adjust to the planet you're on, no matter where you are in the galaxy. And this one," she hits the button again and the second face slides up and away to reveal a third with digits covering it, "contains a distress signal. Just enter the code and it will transmit your location back to us."

"What's the code?" he asks.

Instead of answering, she inputs the code herself. He's not ready for the numbers that appear on the screen and he feels the air rush out of him when he recognizes them. _Breha's birthday._ He takes a deep, steadying breath. She would have liked that, he thinks. Breha had loved little tricks like that. Once Papa had changed the access code to the Falcon to her birthday and she had squealed with delight at such an honor.

"Wherever you are in the galaxy, we'll find you," she whispers.

"Thank you," he replies. He puts the watch around his wrist with shaking hands before turning to look at her. "Thank you so much."

She studies him for a moment, her fingers coming up to trace his cheek. "Sweetheart, what's wrong? I can tell something is bothering you and not just because you left the party. You haven't been yourself the past few days."

He wants to brush it off, just tell her it's exhaustion and frustration from the lack of leads for Tekka and Uncle Luke. But he's never been good at lying to his mother, and part of him wants to talk to someone about it, _needs_ to talk to someone about it. Who better than her?

"During the war, before you and Papa got together..." He hesitates. He's not sure how to put it into words. "Did you ever feel... I dunno… Lonely?" She tilts her head curiously, and he tries to continue. "Like you're fighting this war and you don't know if you're gonna survive the next mission, the next base move, the next whatever danger is thrown your way and that's fine you've accepted it but... I dunno." He shrugs awkwardly. "Did you ever think to yourself, 'this would be easier to face with someone by my side'?"

"Nearly every day," she says, smiling sadly. "I would never have admitted it of course, especially not to your father. But yes. It's human nature sweetheart."

"What did you do about it?"

She laughs. "Gave in, eventually." Her smile turns nostalgic. "When I first met your father, he was insufferable. Cocky, outspoken, 'I'm always right and I don't have to listen to anyone'."

"No," he says, exaggerating the word in mock astonishment. "Cocky? Not papa, surely."

She rolls her eyes. "Well you certainly didn't get it from me," she remarks.

Fair enough, he thinks. He shares a lot of traits with both of his parents; he's a perfect amalgam of the two. He has his humble moments that he attributes to her, but he cannot deny that his father's confidence and swagger radiate through him.

"At first, I couldn't stand him," she continues, "He was brash and he had no respect for the cause I had devoted myself to, that I had lost my people to. After the loss of Alderaan, I busied myself with the rebellion and pushed away that feeling of loneliness. It's hard to get close to people during a war. Like you said, you never know if you're going to come back, and you never know if they're going to come back either. But Han, he has a knack for worming his way into your heart. There was something about him - even from that first meeting - there was something about him that made me feel-" she pauses for a moment as if searching for the right word.

"Made me feel alive. Like a warm hello, not spoken aloud but you can feel it in your bones, in your soul. As if his and my souls were connecting on a level we couldn't understand. And it's bright and vibrant and it warms you all over until you crave it like the air you need to breathe. Every time I saw him, I felt it. _Hello_. And I ignored it for so long. I was so terrified of the day it was no longer hello but goodbye, whether it came by him leaving the Rebellion or by his death. And he waited and waited. And I continued to deny myself the chance to find out what comes after 'hello'. Until one day, on a very long trip at sublight speed, we both gave in."

He's heard the story of their journey to Bespin countless times, in varying degrees of truth. His favorite version remains Chewie's- it took being stranded for weeks in space for two idiot humans to realize they were meant to be together. Short and sweet and likely the closest to the truth. Well as close to the truth as he wants to get; he's not a little kid anymore, and he's not an idiot either.

"Is that what's bothering you?" She asks. "Do you feel lonely?"

He shrugs, looking down at his hands fidgeting in his lap. "I don't even know anymore Ma. I feel like you said; lonely but almost like I don't want to get close to anyone." He gestures towards the door. "I had the chance tonight, but the thought of it just sounds exhausting."

She reaches out and grabs his hands. "Companionship of any kind during times like these, it reminds you that you're human, that you feel. That it's _okay_ to feel. Take it from me; don't deprive yourself of that companionship. It will only make it so much harder for you." He looks back at her and sees she looks resigned, despondent. "I never wanted this life for you Poe. I am so very sorry. Every time I send you on a mission I-" she breaks off, unable to finish the thought. "If I could go back and change it, keep you from all of this, I would."

He shakes his head, turning towards her. "Mama no. I _chose_ this life. I chose to go to the academy, to fight for the New Republic. I chose to leave when I heard you both were missing." He squeezes her hand gently, willing her to believe him. "If I wasn't here fighting for you, I'd be fighting for them. And I'd choose you and Pop, a thousand times over."

She sighs heavily, her hand shaking in his. "Poe-"

"No," he says emphatically, squeezing her hand a little tighter. "A thousand times over, Mama." He doesn't wait for her to respond. He pulls her to him, wrapping his arms around her small frame and places a kiss to the crown of her head. They sit there for a few moments. He can't fathom what she must go through every time he or Pop fly off on another mission. But he never thought guilt. Fear or trepidation yes but he hadn't thought she'd feel guilt; as if it was her fault they were here. Yes they would follow her to the ends of the galaxy and back, but they also wholly believed in the cause for which they were here. Poe's sure that even if his mother wasn't the head of the Resistance, he likely still would have found his way here.

She pulls away from him slightly and kisses his cheek. "Come now, what do you say we go back to the party?" He nods, acquiescing if only for a little while. She stands and he follows her to the door. "Are you alright?" She asks, turning to look back at him.

 _No,_ he thinks, but now is not the time. It's his birthday - _his day_ \- and he should enjoy it for the few hours of it he has left. "I will be," he says, offering his elbow to her again with a grin. "If the most beautiful woman on base is willing to dance with me when we get back."

"Oh I'm sure Malla would be delighted to dance with you," she quips, slipping her arm through his.

That draws a burst of laughter from him. "I'll be sure to ask her too."

He dances with his mother and Malla and even spins across the floor with one of Luna's friends, Keshi. She's nearly a head taller than him so he lets her lead. They giggle as she dips and twirls him. And when he wakes up in the morning naked in bed with her tucked under his arm, he thinks maybe it's okay to let someone in after all.

xxxxxxxxxx

Four months later, a transporter carrying supplies and recruits from the Kanz Sector arrives on D'Qar. Poe doesn't normally greet new recruits but his mother is caught up in a meeting with Command and she had asked him to go in her place. Papa had offered to go in her stead but she knew it was just a ploy to get out of the meeting and had promptly shut that down. Poe is usually happy to step in for her when needs must but BB-8 had just informed him of repairs needed for his x-wing and now all he wants to do is get to work on her.

A team gets to work on unloading the supplies as a few people filter out of the ship. Another team in charge of directing the new recruits steps forward, shaking hands and sharing pleasantries with their new comrades. They're directed to the mess hall where Poe will give a speech welcoming them to the base. For now, he waits to meet the ones in charge of recruiting them to the cause. He smiles and says hello to some of the ones who pass. Those who recognize him stop to shake his hand and to speak briefly with the son of General Organa, the famed pilot Poe Dameron of the Resistance. It's a little awkward for him, being revered by strangers. But at the same time, he does enjoy it. After all, his mother is right; he is cocky, just like his father.

He's speaking with a woman who has come to work in medical when he spots someone over her shoulder step out of the transporter. He's tall, not as tall as Pop but taller than Poe for sure. His black hair is slightly longer than Poe's, dropping down to cover his eyes. He's wearing spectacles with thick rims on the top but none around the bottom curve. He turns to look in Poe's direction and his eyes widen behind his spectacles. The woman he had been speaking to excuses herself but Poe doesn't notice. His attention is fixated on the man now making his way towards him. The angles of his cheeks are sharp, but as he gets closer, Poe sees the rest of his face is soft and curved. He's not classically beautiful, but there's something about him that makes him handsome nonetheless.

He's closer now and Poe isn't sure how anyone has ever looked away from those eyes before; by the gods they're beautiful. A deep, mesmerizing swirl of browns that remind Poe of the bark on those trees all those years ago. He stands there - watching this man approach him - just like he had stood and stared in awe at those trees on Yavin.

"Hi, I'm Basti," he says with a grin, stopping in front of Poe and holding out his hand. "I'm the head of the Lorrd faction."

Poe smiles and takes his hand. _Hello._


	5. If You Ever Wanna Be In Love

"No. No. No. That's it get out."

Poe rips the comm out of his ear and strides purposefully over to his x-wing. This was a stupid idea, he thinks. He's been having more and more of those lately. He climbs the ladder and rips off the top hatch, glaring down at the man inside. Basti grins back up at him, a look of innocence on his face.

"You said the blue button," he says with a shrug.

"I said _don't touch_ the blue button. You could've blown up the whole godsdamn base, you idiot."

"And how didn't I?" He's still grinning at Poe as he lifts himself out of the cockpit. It's that grin that's caused all of these stupid ideas of late. He looks at Poe with that grin and bats those eyes and Poe's willing to do pretty much anything. Including today's stupid idea- teaching him how to fly an x-wing. Basti has never flown before, and he'd taken to shadowing Poe of late, following him around hoping to learn more about the ships. Poe hadn't minded. Basti's been on base for nearly two years now and the two have formed a close friendship. They don't work together all too often; Basti is more of a liaison than a soldier, let alone a pilot. When he'd asked this morning if Poe could teach him some of the more basics, Poe had hesitated but acquiesced after the hopeful look the other man had given him.

"I disabled the weapons, thankfully. Knew you'd do something dumb." He hops down off the ladder, and allows Basti room to follow. BB-8 comes over and stops at Poe's feet, beeping condescendingly. "Ah BB-8 don't say that. Sure he's a bit dumb, but he's got some good qualities too."

It's Poe's turn to grin as Basti glares mockingly first at BB-8 then him. "Still haven't given him the etiquette update then?"

"Nah, I like him sassy." BB-8 whirs approvingly.

"So, what are these good qualities of mine you speak of?"

"Well you're nice to look at," Poe says with a shrug. "But now that I think about it that's really it."

Basti laughs and slings an arm around Poe's shoulder, leading him off away from his x-wing. "You're not so bad yourself. We make a great pair."

There it is again. They're constantly doing this, flirting back and forth, paying each other more than friendly compliments. It's taking a toll on Poe, but he can't seem to bring himself to push further. He doesn't want to risk losing this friendship if something were to not work out. He doesn't have much evidence to go on either. As far as he knows, Basti hasn't been with anyone since arriving and the Resistance base has never been void of gossip. Surely he'd have heard about something. They head through the base in relative silence and are passing the command center when Basti speaks again.

"You wanna grab dinner?" He asks.

"I promised my ma I'd eat with them. Pop is heading off on another run tomorrow, not sure for how long. Wanna join?"

"Dinner with the parents? I dunno, that seems like a big step in our relationship. "

Poe laughs. "Well Ma's always bugging me to bring a nice man home."

Basti stops walking, his arm falling from around Poe's shoulders. Poe stops as well and turns towards him. They're standing close, Poe can see the way the artificial light bounces off Basti's eyes, making them appear a shade lighter. Like the color of honey, he thinks. "And I'm a nice man?" He asks quietly, studying Poe. There are people bustling around them but Poe can't take his eyes off the man in front of him. There's something about the way he's asked it that makes Poe think it doesn't feel like a friendly joke anymore. Is this the moment? He swallows nervously and nods, not trusting himself to speak. Basti grins back, his eyes darting to Poe's lips. "Must be one of those good qualities you forgot about." He's blushing now, and he's getting ready to respond when a voice from the command center startles him.

"Poe!"

He jolts away from Basti, back into a bulkhead and let's out a string of Corellian curses. Damn his mother's timing.

"There you are," she says as she approaches them. "I was just about to come looking for you." She turns and smiles at his companion. "Basti dear how are you? I haven't seen you all day, did Admiral Ackbar have you going over shipping manifestos again?"

Poe watches as Basti blushes and casts a quick glance over Ma's shoulder at him. "Actually General, Poe's been teaching me how to fly an x-wing."

Leia turns a stern gaze to Poe. "Don't you dare take one of my best men away from me, Poe. I need him here not up in the skies."

"Well ma'am if he wants me, he's got me," Basti says, and though he's speaking to Ma, his eyes never leave Poe. Ma doesn't seem to notice - or maybe she does but is choosing not to touch on the different meanings – as she turns back to Basti and invites him to join them for dinner. He takes her up on the offer and with one last look Poe's way he leads them down the hall. His mother follows after, but not before smiling knowingly at Poe. _Of course she noticed._

xxxxxxxxxx

The mess is surprisingly busy for such an early hour, but Poe spots his father and Chewie at their usual table. Ma breaks away as soon as they enter to stop at various tables and chat with people. He forgoes waiting in line for food and leads Basti over to the table. If they're lucky, Chewie will have an extra plate or two of food for them. Poe slides into the seat next to Chewie while Basti takes the seat across from him, next to Pop. Han eyes him up and down skeptically.

"You don't look like my wife," he deadpans.

Basti blushes and moves to stand. "Sorry, Colonel-"

{ _He just wants you to come around the table so he can look at your pretty face_ }, Chewie growls around a mouthful of food. Basti smiles embarrassingly. He is fluent in Shyriwook -as well as a dozen other languages - which had endeared him to the entire Solo family straight away. There were only a few within the Resistance that understood it. When Basti had struck up a conversation with Chewie on his first day, Poe and his father had stared in stunned silence. They had chatted for some time while the Solo men had stood nearby, watching the interaction.

 _"I like this one,"_ Pop had said with a knowing look.

"Better than looking at your ugly mug you oversized mop."

"I don't mind moving really," Basti says as he maneuvers around the table into the seat next to Poe.

"Shame," Poe says, smirking, "I was starting to enjoy looking at your pretty face."

{ _It's you and the little one all over again. I wonder if I'll win this pool too._ }

"Shut up fuzzball or I'll shave you in your sleep tonight," Han snaps.

"Do I wanna know what he's talking about?"

"No," Poe and Han say in unison. Poe shoots his father a grateful look. He doesn't want to deal with any embarrassment in front of Basti. He's apprehensive enough about privately discussing what's between them; he certainly doesn't want to dredge it up now. He just wants to have a nice dinner before Pop and Chewie head off on another run. Thankfully Chewie senses this and pats his head apologetically. He's got a few extra plates and he's quick to slide one to both Poe and Basti.

A short while later, Leia drops down into the seat Basti had vacated moments ago. She kisses Han on the cheek and snatches a piece of bread off his plate. He's quick to push the plate towards her but she waves him off.

"I'm done with it," he says, "you need to eat."

"I'm not that hungry, I'm fine with this."

"Leia take the damn plate."

"I said I'm fine Han."

"Leia," he says warningly but she ignores him and turns her attention across the table.

"So Basti, any particular reason you're joining us for dinner tonight?" she asks. "Not that you aren't always welcome to of course. But is there a special reason tonight?" She's looking between the two of them in anticipation and Poe feels his face burning red. _Gods_ , he thinks. _Shouldn't at 32 he be old enough to avoid embarrassment from his parents?_

Thankfully Basti takes it in stride. "Actually General, I'm here to make sure you're eating properly." His father snorts and his mother smiles approvingly. Another reason the Solo family had taken to Basti- he could keep up with their bantering. His mother accepts the answer and returns to her meal, but not before she catches Poe's eye. He gives her an exasperated look back but she just continues to smile. No. Apparently 32 is not old enough. He'll be 60 and she'll still be finding ways to embarrass him.

The rest of the meal passes with pleasant conversation. His mother finally accepts a bit more food from Pop's plate and even if it's just to appease him, it works. They discuss his upcoming run, but when Poe asks what they'll be moving, he is elusive.

"You don't wanna know, pal."

When everyone but Chewie is finished eating, Pop stands and stretches.

"Gotta go run a few last checks on the ship," he says. "Poe, care to give me a hand?" Chewie offers to help instead but Pop waves him off. "Nah, junior'll help me. I know better than to take you away from your food." He comes around the table and puts a hand on Poe's shoulder, the firm pressure letting him know he's not getting out of this. He shoots Basti an apologetic glance as he stands (more like his father picks him up out of his chair) and follows Han away from the table.

xxxxxxxxxx

They arrive at the small ship Han and Chewie will be taking to dock with their freighter later tomorrow and Poe follows his father up into the cockpit. He sits down in the pilot's seat and gestures to the copilot's. Poe hesitates a moment before sitting. Nothing to check then, he muses. He can't imagine what Pop would drag him out here for then. His father says nothing, and they sit in silence for a few minutes, staring out the viewport at the people milling about. Poe fights the urge to fidget with the controls, to ask what they're doing, anything other than sit here silently; but he doesn't. He sits and waits and feels like a small child again, waiting for the stern talking to from his father after he'd done something foolish.

"So," he finally says after some time, "still haven't told the kid how you feel?"

 _Ah, there it is_ , he thinks. Now he does reach out to fiddle with the controls. He can feel his father's gaze on him but he keeps his eyes focused on his hands. It's not that he doesn't want to talk to his father about this. He already has - on more than one occasion - sought out his advice on what to do in regards to Basti. It's just that presently he doesn't want to have this conversation iat all/i. Not with pop, not with his mother, hells not even with Basti himself.

"It's complicated," he says with a shrug, finally turning to meet his father's gaze. He looks back at Poe with a disbelieving look. "Pop, we're in the middle of a war!"

"Your mother and I got together in the middle of a war."

"Yeah but that was different." Poe knows it's a weak argument, and it's clear his father doesn't buy it. He sighs in frustration and runs a hand through his hair. "Look, you two at least knew that you were attracted to each other and had feelings for-"

He's cut off by a bark of laughter from his father. "Pal, I may have embellished in those bedtime stories, but I still think it was obvious your mother couldn't stand me 90% of the time." He's still laughing as he leans forward, pointing his finger into Poe's chest. "At least _you two_ get along. If that boy doesn't like you then I've officially lost it."

"Nah that happened years ago," he mumbles half-heartedly, mind already elsewhere. He turns to look out the viewport. "And if he doesn't feel the same? If he… If he doesn't-" he struggles to find the right word. He's scared of Basti's rejection and the loss of their friendship, but he's also terrified of the further ramifications. They'd had conversations in the past; about all beings needing to have equal rights, regardless of species, race, gender, or sexual identity. Hells, that's the freedom they were all here fighting for. The talks had been positive, but Poe knows there's a difference between conversations and being faced with that reality. What if Basti rejects him for who he is? What if he doesn't _understand_?

Pop senses what Poe is struggling to convey, and he leans forward once again. He puts a gentle hand on Poe's shoulder and waits for Poe to look to him. When he does, Pop holds his gaze determinedly. "Then he'll have to deal with me."

It reminds him of another time, in another cockpit. Of broken bones and a broken soul and his father's firm promise to protect him. _You are who you are, son. And if anyone has a problem with that then they'll be dealin' with me._

"Look," Pop continues. "I don't want you doin' something you ain't comfortable with. But from an outsider's perspective, I'd bet my life he feels the same. You've gotta take risks, especially at times like these. Do I think your mother and I could've made it work sooner? I dunno, probably not. She'd probably've kicked the shit outta me if I'd actually made any serious advances. But do I ever look back and wished I'd tried to tell her how I felt sooner?" He shrugs. "Sometimes. What I'm trying to say is, don't wait too long. You got a good one there. Don't regret leaving it too late."

They sit in silence for a moment as Poe allows his father's words to wash over him. He's grateful for his father's advice. He knows how fortunate he is to have his and Ma's unconditional love and support. And he trusts them whole-heartedly. Both of them had made their feelings known on Basti, and both had assured Poe they thought he felt the same. They were both excellent at reading people in their own ways, he thinks. If they saw something, it must be there. He takes a deep, steadying breath and turns to his father. "Okay, no more waiting. I'll do it."

His father nods, staring expectantly at him and Poe eyes him for a moment before it clicks. "Wait, you mean right now?"

Han rolls his eyes. "I'm getting on a ship tomorrow, and I dunno when I'll be back." The thought, the possibility that he might not be back at all hangs in the air between them unspoken. "I'd like to get on it knowing my son told the boy he likes how he feels. You've already wasted enough time." He gives Poe a gentle shove. "Go." He nods before standing and heading towards the exit. "And son?" Poe glances back over his shoulder to see Pop looking at him with a smirk. "We're haulin' rathtars."

xxxxxxxxxx

He finds himself standing outside of Basti's quarters a short walk later. He's nervous, doesn't think he's ever been this nervous in his life. His hand shakes as he reaches up and rings the door chime. The next few moments could change his entire life forever. For better or for worse; and though the nerves are twisting his insides, he can't help but hold on to the firm belief that what's between the two of them is _real_. And if for some sick, awful reason he is wrong then so be it, but he cannot continue living every day in the presence of this man he so deeply loves without knowing if he feels the same. The door slides open to reveal Basti leaning against the frame, his uniform shirt unbuttoned to reveal the hard, tanned planes of his chest. A crooked grin appears on his face when he sees Poe.

"Hey how was the-"

Poe steps forward, and presses his lips to Basti's. It's not exactly a kiss, just a slight pressure, questioning. Basti tenses at the contact, and after a brief moment his hands come up to rest on Poe's cheeks and he pushes gently. His eyes are wide behind his spectacles when Poe opens his and he panics for a moment. Had he read this wrong? Unfortunately his mouth is further ahead than his brain and he can't stop the words from rushing out, pent up for so long.

"I love you. I- I'm _in love_ with you."

Basti says nothing, only continues to stare and Poe can feel his heart sinking further into darkness as the seconds tick past. Finally he blinks and his head shakes slightly as though he's been jolted back to reality. Then - finally – he smiles. "Sith's sake it's about fucking time." He drags Poe back to him, his hand threading through Poe's hair as he meets his lips. He deepens the kiss, his tongue slipping past Poe's lips as he pulls him across the threshold and into his quarters. He whispers his love back as he unbuttons Poe's shirt and trails kisses down his neck and Poe finally knows what it's like to feel bliss.

Later, they're tangled in bed, Basti's head on his chest and Poe feels like the weight of the entire galaxy has been lifted from his shoulders. "You love me," he murmurs into Basti's hair, tracing his hand softly down his back. Basti lifts his head up and grins.

"Just a bit," he says teasingly. "Though you could've picked a better time to tell me."

"What do you mean?"

Basti pushes himself up to lightly brush his lips across Poe's. "I'm headed off planet tomorrow. Your ma informed me at dinner after you left."

Poe lets out a huff and rolls his eyes. "Of course you are. Boy is she gonna be ticked when she finds out we finally are together and she's shipping you off. Where you headed?"

"Hosnian Prime. She's sending Korr back to the Senate to encourage the Republic to take action against the First Order. Thinks I can be of use translating and the like."

Poe sighs heavily. He doesn't like the sound of that, and something in his gut tells him it was a bad idea. But he shakes it off and rolled over, pinning Basti to the bed and pressing kisses down the length of his neck. "Well then, better send you off with a proper goodbye."


	6. And Now It's More Frightening

**WARNING:** This chapter contains torture and a panic attack scene. If that's triggering to you I suggest you don't read this or skip the sections that begin with a bolded **xxxxxxxxxx** rather than just xxxxxxxxxx.

This is into TFA now. If you don't see a scene it's because it happens the same as it does in the film and I didn't want to dwell on stuff that isn't any different.

Also I believe everyone has a color sort of like an aura, so I decided to incorporate that by tying it in with the Force so you'll see that in this chapter.

Enjoy xx

* * *

It's not even a week from Pop and Basti's departures when they receive a comm from a Resistance informant telling them Lor San Tekka has been located and willing to help. He's in the command center with his mother when the coded message is read allowed. _Jakku?_ he thinks. _Of all the backwater planets, how in seven hells did he end up on that junkyard?_ Controllers around the room begin working furiously, shouting to each other, trying to verify the information and its source.

His mother pulls him to the side amidst the commotion, a grim look on her face.

"It's possible the First Order's intercepted this message," she says. "We can't waste any time."

"I'll go."

"Poe-"

He puts a comforting hand on her arm. "It's okay. I want to do this." _He needs to do this_. He needs to help find Uncle Luke, for his mother, for his father, and for Breha. He needs to know what happened to her; needs to know why Uncle Luke went into hiding instead of returning. Most importantly, he needs to find him before the First Order does. Poe's beginning to think the ones that find Luke Skywalker will be the ones to win this war. The thought of the First ORder getting there first is terrifying. And besides, San Tekka knows him. It's been years, but he knows it will help to have someone he trusts as the one accepting the information. He's the best candidate for this mission. "Besides," he adds with a grin, "I'm the best you've got."

"Currently here at least," she quips.

"Not at his old age." He doesn't add 'not without the _Falcon_ '. Instead he wraps his arm around her shoulders and pulls her into an embrace. "I've got this mama."

"I don't like when you're both away from me," she whispers. He can sense her fear radiating off her in waves and he does his best to calm her. He presses a kiss to her cheek and sends her soothing comfort through the Force.

"Then I'll hurry back. You won't even notice I'm gone." He pulls away from her and smiles encouragingly. "I'll be okay mama, promise." She returns his smile and lets go.

He accepts it as her approval. With no time to waste he turns and makes his way towards the exit to prepare an x-wing.

"Poe?" He turns back to her. "Come back to me." He nods and gives her a salute, before continuing on his way.

xxxxxxxxxx

Poe touches down outside the small village on Jakku near sunset. He's never been here, but he's heard the stories of the great battle that handed the Rebellion its final victory in the fight against the Empire. The first thing he notices when climbing down from his x-wing is the sweltering heat. The second thing he notices is the crowd of villagers that have gathered.

A man steps out from the crowd and makes his way over to Poe. "I hear we will have record snowfall this year," Poe says. The man eyes him for a moment before nodding, beckoning Poe to follow him. Poe tells BB-8 to stay on lookout before he continues after the villager. He leads him past those gathered around to a small hut off to the side. He stops outside the makeshift entrance and turning back to Poe, he gestures for him to enter. Inside sits Lor San Tekka. He's older than Poe remembers, fatigue and sorrow lining his face. San Tekka was never the happiest of people, but Poe remembers he was always kind and calm. Now, he looks like a man who's been to the Corellian hells and crawled his way out of them.

"Poe Dameron," he says softly. "Look how you've grown."

"It's good to see you again sir," Poe responds. "Even if the circumstances aren't ideal."

"Come sit."

He sits across from San Tekka, who's pouring tea for them. He's tempted to get down to business - to get the map and get the hell out of dodge - but seeing this man from his past, so old and tired and isolated makes him hesitate.

"Last I saw you," San Tekka begins, lifting the teacup towards Poe, "was on Spintir, do you remember?"

He does. He'd been nearly fifteen, traveling with his father to the Outer Rim planet to discuss a New Republic military post to protect trade routes. They'd met briefly with San Tekka on behalf of Uncle Luke. "I broke your Jedi cube," he says with a sheepish grin.

"A 2,000 year old holocron that contained vital information for your Uncle. To be specific."

"Well, I promise that won't happen this time," he says, placing the cup of tea off to the side. San Tekka mirrors his actions, and they stare at each other for a brief moment. Poe doesn't want to rush; he'd love to have the time to sit and discuss what the explorer has found, where he found it and why he's come forward now. But he just doesn't have time, and he flew solo on this mission, he can't bring him back to base. Maybe he'll send a transporter back for him. He's sure his mother would love to speak with San Tekka face to face.

San Tekka senses Poe's desire to get what he came for quickly and smiles sadly but nods in understanding. He removes a small pouch from inside his jacket and places it into Poe's hand.

"This will begin to make things right," he says, "I've traveled too far and seen to much to ignore the despair in the galaxy. Without the Jedi, there can be no balance in the Force."

Poe refrains from commenting that they could've used his help a long time ago, that they'd spent iyears/i trying to catch up with him for this map. "Well now we have a chance. My mother's been after this for a long time."

Tekka smiles fondly. "Ah your mother, 'The General.' To me she is royalty."

"She certainly is that," Poe says smiling back. BB-8 bursts through the door, beeping frantically that ships are inbound. iShit./i His mother was right, they must've intercepted it. He shouldn't have delayed. "We've got company."

Poe bolts out of the hut, pulling his quadnocs out of his jacket and raising them to his eyes. He can see the inbound ships and there is no mistaking who they belong to. It is just as he feared.

"You have to hide," he tells San Tekka hurriedly.

"You need to leave. Go!" Poe hesitates for a moment, conflicted. But he knows that it's vital he gets this map back to D'Qar. He cannot worry himself with what happens to Tekka now, as guilty as it makes him feel. If he's caught with the map, it could ultimately mean the end of the war and the deaths of those closest to him. He nods to Lor San Tekka, doing his best to convey his thanks not only for the map but also for letting him go, and hurries to his x-wing.

When he reaches the x-wing parked on the outskirts of the village, he scrambles up into the cockpit and powers her up. He's not in the cockpit more than a minute when he's jolted forward and alarms are blaring. He's been hit. iShit/i, he thinks. If only he'd brought his own x-wing. BB-8 whirs to let him know he's taking on fire and he drops the x-wing's blaster and fires, taking out the Stormtroopers approaching. He exits the cockpit, blaster rifle in hand and goes around to survey the damage.

It's worse than he'd thought, and he realizes with a sinking in his gut that there is no way they're getting out of this. He drops down level with BB-8 and pulls the pouch out of his jacket, opens it, and gives the device inside to BB-8.

"You take this, it's safer with you than it is with me," he says. "You get as far away from here as you can. Do you hear me?" BB-8 beeps nervously. "I'll come back for you. It'll be alright." He rounds the x-wing again, not looking back.

He fires his blaster rifle, taking out as many Stormtroopers as he can from his spot hidden beyond the ridge. Suddenly, a gust of wind alerts him to a new incoming ship and he pauses, turning to glance up at it.

It's like nothing he's ever seen before and he's mesmerized as it touches down and the door to the craft opens. The figure that descends the ramp causes his heart to sink with dread.

There had been rumors of Ben's links with the First Order. Nothing certain - he had done his best to destroy any trace of himself, and those who remembered him knew nothing of what had happened to him after the events on Yavin – but there had been word that a powerful sith in training was aiding the First Order. That he called himself Kylo Ren and that he wore a mask. There's no denying it now that he's seen for himself. Poe knows that the figure in black is none other than Ben.

He feels a white, hot fury rush through him and his finger itches over the trigger. His sister's murderer stands before him. He's been waiting years for this moment; to avenge Breha, to give his parents and himself peace. And because he _wants to_. After everything that Sithspawn bastard has put them through, Poe wants the satisfaction of killing him. He climbs over the ridge and pulls his blaster rifle up, taking aim. He watches as Ben strikes down Lor San Tekka and without hesitation he fires. Ben turns and reaches out a hand, and suddenly the blaster beam freezes in midair, as does Poe. His entire body feels like it's locked solid. He tries to move but is unable to. Two Stormtroopers step forward and knock him out of his frozen state before dragging him forwards towards Ben. He gazes back at the beam - still stunned at the sight - before he's dropped down in front of his cousin.

His rage is back as Ben squats down in front of him. It's consuming all of him now and he wonders if Ben can sense it and his overwhelming urge to strangle him on the spot. He tries his best to calm down, remembering his mother's advice from so long ago. She'd told him over and over to remain calm if he ever came face to face with Ben.

 _"Anger and hate are the paths to the dark side," she'd said. "They'll cloud your vision and make you irrational. You cannot afford to be irrational if you come face-to-face with him."_

Well, not that this is exactly face-to-face. He latches onto that. "So who talks first," he begins. "You talk first? I talk first?"

"The old man gave it to you," Ben says. It startles him a moment at the mechanical voice but he pushes on.

"It's just very hard to understand you with all the-" he gestures to the mask as Ben orders the Stormtroopers to search him "-apparatus."

"Nothing sir," one of them says.

"Put him on board."

They shove Poe forwards and lead him towards one of the shuttle crafts that had first arrived. As they're making their way up the ramp he hears them fire on the villagers, likely killing them all. He pushes against his captors, trying to turn around, but he is shoved forward. His heart sinks again at the loss of lives and holds out hope that BB-8 was able to get away and all of this wasn't in vain.

 **xxxxxxxxxx**

He's brought to a holding cell and tortured for what feels like days. They question and probe him endlessly. He's exhausted and in pain but he refuses to yield. He's been prepared for this, they all have. War is dangerous, and they had all needed to be prepared for the awful possibility of capture by the First Order. He'd also done extra preparation with his mother using the Force.

The door slides open again and Poe lifts his head gingerly to see who's come to try their luck with him this time. Stood in the doorway,

"Hiya _Ben_ ," he says with as much venom as he can muster. He can't see his cousin's reaction through the mask but he can feel the rage flow off him at his given name.

"I had no idea we had the best pilot in the Resistance on board," he says, choosing to ignore Poe's jab. "Comfortable?"

"Not really. Thought the least you could do was give me a nice pillow, what with us being family and all."

He strides forward slowly, bending slight to come eye level with Poe. "Tell me," he says, "what's it like?" Poe doesn't answer. "Being raised for slaughter like a common farm animal?" Poe's not sure where he's going with this so he remains silent. "No one has been able to get out of you what you've done with the map. I'm almost impressed." He turns and begins to casually pace the room. "And then I realized something. Your precious mother. She endured nearly the same thing."

"Honestly Ben where the hell are you going with this? Is it gonna take a while?"

Ben turns back. "You really don't realize do you?"

Poe rolls his eyes. "No but if your plan is to bore the information out of me you're getting fucking close."

Ben moves in, his face inches away from Poe's. "She trained you didn't she? Prepared you for what to do if you're captured. Tortured. You're stronger with the force now, I can feel it. She prepared you, her own son - who she claims to love - to be captured. Knowing it would result in this very scenario and ultimately your death."

Poe loses it. He's laughing, head thrown back and he's nearly crying he's laughing so hard. He ignores the pain stabbing through him at the movements and trains his eye back on Ben. "Oh my stars," he says through his laughter. "That's what you're going with? My parents don't love me? Wow you're awful at this buddy. Really I mean you're truly fucking awful."

"Your sister wasn't laughing when I killed her," Ben says. Poe's laughter stops abruptly and the air feels like it's left the room. "Ah now I've hit the mark."

Poe takes deep steadying breaths, calling on everything his mother had taught him.

 _Don't show him weakness. He'll latch onto it and there will be no going back_

"Breha, wasn't it?" Ben continues. "What did you call her, Brey? Such a small little thing. There wasn't anything left when I was done with her."

Poe sees red, a burning fury tearing through him. "I'm gonna fucking kill you, ya hear?" He's fighting against the restraints, lunging as far out as he can. "I'm gonna cut you open and tear your organs out one by one until you're begging for me to kill you, you sick piece of shit."

A dark, mechanical laughter comes through the mask. "Careful Poe Dameron. Those kinds of thoughts lead to the dark side. Shall I show you how I killed her?"

Ben lifts a hand and Poe realizes too late his defenses are down. He feels Ben's presence in his mind, dark and sinister. Poe tries his hardest to get his defenses back up but he can feel Ben clawing through his mind. It feels on fire and the pain is too much.

 _"Poe!"_

He jolts at the familiar voice, so long lost.

 _"Poe! Help me!"_

She sounds like she's sobbing and he can't stop himself from shaking and suddenly she's there. He can see her in his mind, exactly as he remembers her.

 _She's stumbling away from him, her face a picture of horror. She turns to run but her little feet catch on the pavement and she collapses to the ground. She turns, and he's close enough now to see she's crying, shaking._

 _"Please don't hurt me. Please. Poe! Please!"_

He keeps trying to push Ben out of his head but he's not strong enough.

 _He's towering over her now, and he's holding a glowing, red lightsaber in his hand. He raises it-_

 _ **Please no stop,**_ he thinks. **_BB-8, it's in my droid._** He can feel Ben's smug satisfaction at succeeding but it doesn't stop him.

 _-he brings the lightsaber down. Once. Twice. And Breha's screaming-_

And it's too much and he's screaming and the pain and agony consume him. Breha's tear stained face, stricken with fear and covered in blood is burned across his mind. It's the last thing he sees as he loses consciousness.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Ren wants the prisoner."

Poe lifts his head to eye the newest Stormtrooper. He's been drifting in and out of consciousness since Ben left but the memory of what he'd seen remains ever-present. It flashes across his mind now at the mention of his cousin, and as the cuffs unlock from around his wrist, he tenses at the thought of being brought to Ben. _No, not Ben,_ he thinks. The person under that mask isn't Ben anymore; he's not _human_ anymore.

The Stormtrooper pulls him up out of the device he's shackled to and begins dragging him out of the room. Poe's mind is racing. Is he going to torture him again? Kill him? Surely he'll wait until after they've retrieved BB-8. No. Ben – Kylo Ren – will keep him alive; to use him against his mother most likely. He's gotta get out of here, and fast. He's debating the possibility of overpowering the Stormtrooper, when said Stormtrooper pushes him into a narrow passageway.

"Listen carefully," the Stormtrooper says, "if you do exactly as I say, I can get you out of here."

 _What?_ "What?"

The Stormtrooper takes off his helmet. "This is a rescue, I'm helping you escape. Can you fly a TIE fighter?"

 _Kriff. Did his mother have someone on the inside?_ The man beneath the helmet doesn't look familiar – and Poe's quite good at remembering the faces of those who've passed through D'Qar – and surely his mother would have told him? Then again, why would she have? He may be her son, but he doesn't have that kind of clearance. "You with the Resistance?"

"What? No no no, I'm breaking you out. Can you fly a TIE fight-"

"I can fly anything," Poe says confidently. Did this guy know who he was talking to? "Why? Why are you helping me?"

"Because it's the right thing to do."

Poe nearly snorts at that bantha shit. "You need a pilot."

"I need a pilot."

The adrenaline is back, pumping through Poe's veins and he finds himself giddy at the thought of pulling this off. He grins at the Stormtrooper. "We're gonna do this."

The walk to the hangar is tense. The Stormtrooper has Poe in a vice grip to the point he's worried he's beginning to lose feeling in his hands. When they reach the hangar, Poe maintains his air of calm; he's been in worse situations than this and he's not afraid not. Besides, he's still confident Kylo Ren wouldn't allow him to be killed in the event that they are caught.

He slides into the seat of the TIE fighter, taking off his jacket for better mobility. "Oh my pop is gonna be so jealous of this," he says with glee. He can picture his old man's face now; he'll be annoyed but impressed, asking dozens of questions about how she flew. He's gotta get home.

He runs the Stormtrooper through the basics of shooting as he powers up the ship. He'd studied the basic schematics of TIE fighters during his days at the Academy; he never thought it would actually be useful information but he's grateful for it now. That is, until he takes off and is promptly yanked back towards the wall by a cable.

"I can fix this," he says determinedly. He's scrolling rapidly through the interface as the Stormtrooper begins firing. He doesn't remember this from the Academy but he's sure he can figure it out; he's been in worse situations and besides, like he told the Stormtrooper, he can fly anything.

"Come on, come on," he mumbles to himself. "Softly softly catchy monkey." Finally he finds what he's looking for, inputs the code and they're off.

The ship lurches forward and Poe is thrown back against his seat at the speed of it. He gets a better hold on her before turning her around and preparing for the flight back to Jakku.

xxxxxxxxxx

The first thing Poe notices when he comes to is that he's hot. Burning hot. His cheek and hands feel like they're on fire. He cracks open his eyes and when they focus all he sees is sand. He lifts his head slightly and finds that relieves the burning sensation from his cheek, but it suddenly hits him the rest of him feels like it's on fire too. He sits up gingerly, getting as much of his body off the sand as possible, before he looks around to take in his surroundings. Sand. Lots and lots of sand.

"Great," he mumbles. "Just kriffin' great."

The ship's nowhere in sight, and with the amount of damage they'd taken from the hit, he can assume Finn's gone too. He pauses a moment to think on that. This guy had risked everything to save him. And now he was just gone.

He stands, taking a moment to assess himself. He's still got blood matted to his forehead and the side of his face, his right eye is swollen a bit, and his lower lip's busted up. Not too bad in the grand scheme of things. His legs ache and he's tempted to lie back down but he knows he's gotta start moving. He's gotta find BB-8 before the First Order does.

However when he climbs to the top of the nearest sand hill, his heart sinks. More sand, for miles. He squints, trying his best to see across the horizon but there's nothing in sight. He's alone, deserted, with no idea of where to go. He could keep walking, but the odds of him coming across any life out here seem slim.

He gives into the overwhelming urge to sit back down and he hangs his head. He's failed. He'd told his mother he was the best person for the job, and she'd placed her faith in him and he's failed. He's let her and the entire Resistance down. Hells he's let the galaxy down. If the First Order gets their hands on that map - no. He can't think like that.

He'd truly thought he'd been the best person for this mission. He thought if Lor San Tekka had known his contact, it would've been better. But maybe if he hadn't gone - maybe if it had been Snap or Iolo - they wouldn't have wasted time speaking with him and would've just returned straight away.

He runs a hand over his face, wincing when he rubs over the wound. There's nothing more he can do now, he realizes. He opens his watch to the distress signal, inputs Breha's birthday, and waits.

A transporter arrives in the night. He's suffering from heat exhaustion and dehydration amongst other things, so he doesn't protest when the medics essentially carry him onto the ship.

Lieutenant Connix is waiting on board. She's looking at him expectantly, but he can't meet her eyes as he shakes his head. He collapses into the nearest seat, takes the offered water and medicines from one of the medics, and closes his eyes to avoid seeing the defeated looks shooting his way.

 **xxxxxxxxxx**

Dr. Kalonia is there to meet them when they land on D'Qar in the early hours of the morning.

"Your mother's just been informed of your arrival, she'll meet us in medical," she says, before turning to one of the medics with orders.

"He needs to be debriefed," Connix says but Kalonia shoots her down.

"What he needs is medical attention," she says. "Debriefing can wait."

He insists he's fine to walk but the doctor is having none of it. He keeps protesting as they encourage him to lie on the stretcher, but as soon as he's down he goes quiet. He hadn't realized how exhausted he truly was.

When they arrive in the med center, they usher him into one of the private rooms and set him carefully on the bed. One medic begins attaching different sensors to him while another applies a batca patch to his forehead. His eyes are drooping and he thinks he might fall asleep right in the middle of them patching him up, when he spots Dr. Kalonia stepping forward, a syringe in her hand.

He jolts, his heartbeat suddenly racing, and he's crawling backwards trying to get as far away from her as possible. "No no no no. Get away from me." She steps forward, not understanding his distress and he swipes at her, knocking the syringe from her hand. "Get away from me!"

He's shaking, the fear crawling through his veins. He's struggling to grasp for air and he's looking around wildly for an escape route. There's two medics stood near the door but he's pretty sure he can take them. He will, if he has too.

Suddenly the door slides open. His mother enters, clearly fresh from bed still in her pajamas, a robe tied loosely around her. She takes in the scene before her with great trepidation and as her gaze flutters briefly to Poe, her face drops in anguish. She speaks softly and the room clears out. She exchanges a few words with the doctor before she too leaves. When the room is empty, his mother turns back to him.

She approaches the bed tentatively. "Poe, can you hear me?" He's still shaking, pressed as far back into the bed as possible. He's in fight or flight mode, but he's trying desperately to calm himself down. iIt's okay. You're safe. You're safe./i "Poe, it's mama," she continues. "It's okay, it's just me now." Is it though? He's still scanning the room and he's suddenly worried that this might all be a trick by Kylo Ren. The rescue, the crash back to Jakku, all of it. Was it real? "I need you to breathe, my love. Look at me." He meets her gaze. She's reaching out towards him but he flinches away. It's involuntary but she pulls her hand away nonetheless.

"Poe I'm not gonna hurt you, it's just me. Just mama. Do you understand?" And he does, deep down he knows. But he can't stop the fear consuming him. "It's okay sweetheart I just need you to breathe. Look at me."

He turns back to her. "Watch me," she says. She takes a deep breath in through her nose before exhaling slowly through her mouth. "Just like that. Breathe. You're safe." He does his best to mimic her and she nods in encouragement. He continues the exercise and she repeats the words over and over and breathes with him. _Breathe. You're safe._

When his breathing is back to normal, she moves closer. This time, it's him that reaches for her. She grabs his hand as she sits on the bed and pulls him into an embrace. "I'm so sorry sweetheart," she whispers. "If I had known-" She doesn't finish, just squeezes him tighter. "When you didn't return I feared the worst. But your signal came in from Jakku, I just assumed you'd been delayed." She pulls away to look at him, hands still holding onto him tightly. "It's much worse than that, isn't it." It's more a statement than a question but he nods regardless. She hugs him back to her and says nothing more.

After some time, she pulls away again and places a kiss to his temple. "I'm going to let Dr. Kalonia back in to finish patching you up," she says. "And then - if you can - I'd like you to tell me what happened."

"No needles though?" he asks quietly.

"No needles, I promise."

She fetches Dr. Kalonia from the hall. The doctor has a tray of medicines and patches prepared that she explains will work in lieu of injections and Poe is grateful for her thinking ahead and understanding. She finishes addressing his wounds and watches as he takes the pills brought in before she takes her leave.

When they're alone again, he tells his mother nearly everything. He tells her of the events on Jakku. Of Tekka's murder and the slaughter of the villagers. He tells her of his torture at the hands of various Stormtroopers, and his eventual rescue by Finn.

"I named him," he says. "I named someone. And just like that he was gone. He saved me, and he's dead because of it."

"We'll do something for him," she tells him, squeezing his hand reassuringly. "We'll find a way to honor him. And as for BB-8, he'll know to destroy the map before it falls into the wrong hands." She's silent for a moment. "Poe, you're keeping something from me, I can feel it. Did Ben... Did he..?"

He looks away. He'd left that part out on purpose, but he isn't surprised that she'd guessed. It all comes rushing back to him. He'd been able to keep it at bay for so long, so focused on getting home safe, on the mission, that he'd been able to keep it off his mind. But just like that, it's back. He can see Breha's face as clear as day. Begging him to save her.

"Poe, sweetheart let me in," she pleads, tugging gently on his arm. He shakes his head and tries his hardest to hold back tears. He can't let her in. He can't let her see what he's seen. The devastation it will cause her will be a thousand times worse than the pain of pushing her away. "Poe, look at me." He refuses and she repeats more firmly, "look at me." He meets her gaze and he can no longer keep the tears at bay. She shushes him gently and sends comfort and love through the Force. He can feel it as clear as he can feel her hand on his arm, but it does nothing to help him. "Don't carry this all on your own, my love. Show me."

"I can't mama," he says. "Please, don't make me."

"Then at least tell me. I can't bear to see you like this." He looks away and doesn't answer her. How does one even begin to put that into words? "Poe, I watched my entire world be blown to pieces before my very eyes, it can't be worse than that."

"It is," he whispers softly, and when he looks back at her he can see that suddenly it clicks. Her face hardens in despair and her eyes close slowly. Her hands are shaking against his arm and he reaches for them.

"Show me," she whispers again, opening her eyes again. The pain is still there, but behind it he sees that fierce determination he has come to associate with her. "I need to see for myself."

He doesn't answer her. What she's asking of him is far too cruel on both of them, but he knows he can't win this fight. "Will I see it again?"

"No. I promise."

If it were anyone but her - his father, _gods papa_ , it would destroy him - he'd continue to refuse. But he knows no matter how cruel and how debilitating this will be for her, she will survive. That's what she's always done, long before she even became his mother. He nods, finally acquiescing. She reaches out, rubbing her hand softly across his temple before closing her eyes. He closes his too.

He can feel her nudge gently at his mind and he flinches, but her presence is warm and gentle, a far cry from what he had experienced with Kylo Ren. Her presence wraps itself around him, shades of blues swirling in his mind's eye, spreading out around him and pulling him close. He focuses on that as she goes looking. He hears her gasp, and his eyes fly open to see the tears falling behind her closed ones. A wave of guilt washes over him but it's met by the blues of his mother, assuring him she's alright.

After a brief moment she opens her eyes to meet his, gently cupping his cheek. "That wasn't real, Poe," she whispers.

"How- how do you know that?"

"Because when you're fed false memories often enough, you begin to notice the tells. The blurs around the edges, other little things." She rests her hands back in her lap and looks away for a moment. "Vader did it to me, when I was on the Death Star. And again on Bespin." He's startled at the admission. She's never spoken about her time on the Death Star to him. He knows she's talked to papa about it, but she's never uttered a word to him about it. "He showed me similar things."

"How'd you keep from giving him what he was looking for?" _Why couldn't I?_

"I'm not really sure," she says. "But I'm stronger in the force than you are, sweetheart."

He sits up in bed now, realizing. "So she could still be alive then. Why would he show me that if it weren't real? Why wouldn't he have shown me what truly happened?" His mind is racing with endless possibilities.

"Because that's what he wanted you to see."

"But what if-" She rests a hand on his arm to still his restless movements and silencing him.

"Poe," she says softly, "I'm not saying that it didn't happen. I'm saying that what he showed you isn't ihow/i it happened."

"But they never found a body, mama," he presses on. "They found all those other children."

"Two people left that planet alive, sweetheart. And there isn't a universe in existence where my brother wouldn't bring my daughter home to me."

There's finality in her voice - one he's heard dozens of times before - that tells him to drop it.

"You've been through a lot," she says, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "Rest my love. I'll be here when you wake up."

xxxxxxxxxx

She's not there when he wakes. Instead it's Dr. Kalonia who's sat by his bedside. She informs him that his mother was called away on urgent business.

"How urgent are we talking?" he asks.

She hesitates and that tells him all he needs to know. He starts removing the different devices attached to him, and snags a hydropak off the bedside table.

"Poe you really need your rest."

"How long was I out for?"

"All of the day and most of the night but you really should-"

"Look doc, I appreciate the concern, really I do. But we're in the middle of a war and if it's what I think it is then I need to be there."

She eyes him for a moment before finally sighing in defeat. "If you collapse in the command center your mother will have my head."

"Ah I'll tell her I won you over. You never could resist my charms doc," he says. He flings the covers off of him and begins to dress. She continues eyeing him warily, and when he clips his watch back on he gives her a smile. "I'm fine, I promise."

"Oh please, like I believe that. Just get going before I change my mind."

His smile grows into a grin and with a nod of thanks, he's out the door.

He drinks the hydropak as he makes his way hurriedly through the base to the commander center where he finds his mother in a discussion with one of the controllers. She doesn't even bat an eye when she sees him. She's used to it by now. He and Pop - and hells even her - have never done well with staying bedridden.

"We've found BB-8," she says. "Your father has him on Takodana at Maz's."

"Pop's got him? How in seven hells did Pop get him?"

"I don't know but I think it's safe to say the First Order aren't far behind them. We have to get to them quick." She pauses and eyes him the same way Dr. Kalonia had. "Poe I think you should sit this one out."

"Not a chance. If papa's in trouble, I've gotta go."

She sighs. "I can't ask that of you."

"I know. I'm telling you. I'm okay. Unless you're gonna tie me down to that hospital bed, there isn't much that'll stop me."

She huffs and smiles fondly. "Yes I tried that with your father once and it didn't work."

He cringes. "Don't think I want to know any more about-"

A shout from the entrance to the command center cuts him off. "General! Come quick!"

She casts a quick glance to him before heading after the call. He follows, and soon there's a large crowd continuing behind him. They spill out onto the base where they find another crowd has gathered, all heads turned to the night sky. He looks up and feels his heart gripped with fear at the sight before him. Flashes of red streaking across the sky towards planets in the distance and there's no mistaking what their intention is even before it happens. Poe watches along with everyone as the beams meet their intended targets.

"It's the Hosnian system!" someone yells behind him.

 _Basti._

He feels a hand grasp his arm but he can't look away. He feels numb watching it; whole planets destroyed before his eyes and the one person that holds his heart is on one of them. _We're at war,_ he thinks. _We're at war you knew this could happen._

"Poe." his mother's voice in his ear. It sounds distant. "Poe." She shakes him and he finally turns to look down at her. She's looking at him with regret and fear and it hits him she's seen this all before. "Go."


	7. Chaos And The Calm

As with last chapter, if you don't see a scene it's because it's the same as it was in the film. Didn't want to bog down the story with it.

Thanks to everyone who read. Hope you've enjoyed it xxx

* * *

Poe spends the majority of the ride in hyperspace to Takodana in solitude. Snap and Iolo both checked with him before they'd prepared to leave D'Qar but he politely told them he'd like to be left alone. He can hear the chatter of his squadron over the comms but he remains silent. Thankfully, Jessika has taken over his role for the time being, issuing orders and rallying cries to the others. He's grateful to her for it. She's always been like that; knowing exactly when to step in for him.

Basti is gone. Just like that, in the blink of an eye, his entire world has been turned upside down. He feels numb. Just a few weeks ago they were lying together in Poe's bunk, their romantic relationship so fresh and new. He'd felt so peaceful in those few precious hours before Basti had departed. For the first time in so long, he had felt like everything was right, and he had spent the days since then thinking of his future, his life beyond this war and what it would be like to have a life with Basti. And now, he's gone. _This is why you didn't want to get too close to anyone,_ he thinks. Did he feel anything? He wonders. Did he know he was going to die? What were his last thoughts of?

He'd figured if either of them would fall victim to this war it would be him; that he would be the one to leave Basti behind. He's the one who is always going off into battle, not Basti. Basti was nothing more than an envoy. His role in this was meant to be less dangerous. But in war, no one is safe. Those poor people of the Hosnian system weren't part of this fight; they weren't soldiers. They were on the peripheral, and yet now they were gone; victims of the First Order.

He thinks it's the sheer magnitude of the destruction that's keeping it from fully sinking in. That and the fact that he needs to focus on what's ahead. He's not sure what they will find when they come out of hyperspace. It's very likely that the First Order is already there or not far behind. Takodana is the kind of place that's bound to have First Order sympathizers. Maz runs a tight ship he knows, but there's no denying the kinds of people that show up to her place tend to be shifty.

"Poe?" Jessika's voice comes over the comms, shaking him from his reverie. "We'll be coming out of hyperspace in a minute."

He's appreciative she doesn't say any more than that as they are over the main line. He doesn't need the rest of them offering him condolences or asking if he's alright when they should be focused. He shakes his head slightly, and takes a deep breath to prepare himself for the inevitable battle ahead.

"Copy that Pavs," he says. "Alright boys and girls and Snap -" he pauses for the laughter of his comrades that he greatly needs for comfort - "you know the drill. Get the Colonel, get my droid, and get the hells out of dodge. Any stormies in sight you know what to do." The cries of his squad come ringing through the comms. "Pavs you take the left flank, Iolo take the right."

They drop out of hyperspace and enter Takodana over Nymeve Lake in nearly the same fashion Poe had arrived all those years ago when he'd been searching for his father.

Maz's castle - or at least what is left of it- comes into view. The First Order has already arrived. Smoke is spewing from the rubble where the castle once stood and ships are littering the ground and sky above.

"Go straight at 'em! Don't let these thugs scare you!"

"Copy that!"

"We're with you, Poe!"

Their encouragement and cries of support comfort him. He's grateful that amongst all this destruction and disaster, he can count on this group that he considers not only comrades but also friends. It's easier to go into battle knowing that the people around you are those you trust and care for most.

He feels the familiar buzz of adrenalin coursing through his veins and he smiles. There is nothing quite like flying into battle. He's always loved flying; from the first time sat in his father's lap at the controls of the _Falcon_ , he'd been in love with it. He's a spacer through and through, but knowing he's flying into battle, to serve the Resistance – and the Republic – and to do some good in this forsaken galaxy? It adds an extra rush to it.

He takes out a TIE fighter while they're still out over the lake before swooping down along the water to avoid enemy fire. One shot, one hit. _Gonna be a good one, this,_ he thinks. As he pulls up from the water and over the ridge to Maz's castle, he fires at the stormtroopers already stationed. On a second pass over the wreckage, he spots Chewie and he assumes his father stood amongst a swarm of stormtroopers. He snorts, laughing at the fact that _of course_ his father got captured. It's so typical, really, for his father to find himself in these sorts of predicaments time and time again. Poe's not sure how his mother ever lets him off base without a chaperone. He fires blasts in rapid succession, taking out all those stood in white surrounding them.

"Go on then," he mumbles to himself with a chuckle. "I'll give you five minutes before you're captured again."

He circles around again, taking out more TIE fighters and troops on the ground. He lets out a holler. This is exactly what he needed to take his mind off of everything. He rounds one more time, looping low across the lake before pulling up to face the castle. His eye catches movement on the ground and he reaches his hand towards the trigger, ready to fire, but he freezes. There, amidst the destruction, he sees Kylo Ren's ship lifting off. He feels like the air has been ripped from his lungs, staring in horror at sight of it. He can't take his eyes off it. He's frozen, the fear of his cousin and their encounter on the First Order ship consuming him.

"Poe!"

He jolts at the sound of Muran over the comms and glances up just in time to see he's heading straight for one of the remaining pillars of the castle. He jerks on the controls and narrowly avoids colliding with the debris. His heart is racing wildly in his chest at his close call and at seeing the ship. He brings his x-wing around to find that the ship has already departed and is making its way for the planet's atmosphere. Should he go after it? Try to take him down or at least attempt to follow him? He thinks for a moment that he could probably at least cause damage, take his luck on the chance that Kylo would be killed in the crash.

"General Organa is planetside," his mother's pilot says over the comms. "Commander Dameron standby to provide cover."

 _Damn._ His choice has been made for him. There's no way he's going to leave now when his mother needs protection from the skies.

"Copy that," he says before addressing his squadron. "Alright you heard her, keep an eye out for any stragglers. Let's make sure everyone gets home in one piece."

He takes a few deep, steadying breaths. He's disappointed, but he knows that ultimately there are more important things to be done. The main objective of this mission was to get BB-8 back and keep the First Order from retrieving the map to Uncle Luke. He's hopeful Ren was taking off in retreat and not because he had been successful. For now, his concern is covering for his mother while she assesses the issue at hand.

"Commander Dameron?" his mother's voice comes through the comms, shaking him from his thoughts.

"Yes General?"

"Colonel Solo informs me you perished on Jakku. Is this true?"

Poe's brow furrows in confusion and he shakes his head slightly. _What in seven hells would make his father think that?_

"Uh not that I'm aware of ma'am," he says.

There's a brief silence on the other end - doing nothing to stave off Poe's confusion - and the longer it goes on, the more Poe is starting to worry that something isn't right. Finally his father's voice comes over the comms.

"I'm glad to hear you're alright, son," his father says, voice strained.

"Colonel, I am also alive and well," Snap quips. "In case you had any cause for concern."

"Thank you Wexley," his father says dryly down the line, "I was waiting on pins and needles to hear that."

Jessika chimes in that's she's alright as well and before it can get out of hand with his whole squadron responding, he cuts them off.

"Alright you mouth breathers that's enough," Poe chastises. "Give us some privacy, yeah?"

He waits a moment for their acknowledgements that all is secure before he hears the familiar clicks of them shutting their comms off briefly. He's not worried; they know to give him just a little bit of time before they switch back on.

"Everything okay Pop?"

"Everything… everything's fine," he says. "I'll see you at home."

"And ma? Everything alright?"

"More than alright," she says and he can hear the smile in her voice. "BB-8 says hello."

His eyes widen. "You've got him? He's okay?"

BB-8's enthusiastic chirps come through and Poe lets out another holler. Thank the stars, thank the maker as Threepio would say, _thank everyone and everything._ Finally, some good news.

xxxxxxxxxx

Finding out Finn is alive and well is an added blessing. He had thought for sure that Finn hadn't made it away from the crash alive. And with everything else that has happened since his return from Jakku, he's so grateful to see someone survive against all odds. Things are on the up. BB-8 is safe and with the Resistance, his father and Chewie are alright, and now he's learned his new friend is alive and… wearing his jacket?

Finn immediately moves to take it off when Poe points this out but Poe is quick to readjust it back over his shoulders.

"No, no no no," he says hurriedly. "Keep it, it suits you." He's sure his parents will understand. Hells, his mother would chastise him if he didn't do this small gesture to thank Finn. She did say she wanted to honor him, after all. "You're a good man, Finn."

"Poe I need-"

His gaze is drawn suddenly away from Finn, beyond the other man's shoulder. In the distance, he sees his father departing the - no. No it can't be. Is that-? He's staring, dumbfounded at the sight in front of him. The _Falcon_. After all of these years - after his father searching endlessly, after thinking for _so long_ that he'd never see that beautiful ship again – she's sat at the end of the runway, looking for all the world like she belonged there; like she'd been there this whole time.

"Oh my stars," he says, moving around Finn.

He's walking forward, mesmerized by the sight before him; it can't be real, surely it's just a vision, a conjuring of his mind to trick him. He quickens his pace until he's jogging across the tarmac, a grin breaking out across his face. When the ship doesn't disappear before his eyes, he starts laughing, jumping wildly in the air as he moves.

"You found her?" He yells to his father as he approaches. "Oh my stars you-"

He's cut off as his father engulfs him in a hug. He's squeezing Poe so tight he can't move and he's nearly suffocating.

"I thought you were dead," Han chokes.

Poe pats him gently on the back to encourage him to let up, but his father doesn't let go. "Alright pa, I can't breathe here." Finally he pulls away but still holds onto Poe, looking him over. He can feel relief radiating off of his father as well as fear. Fear that he'd lost another child; fear that he'd lose Leia too. Poe tries to alleviate those fears and calm his father through the Force. _I'm okay papa. I'm alive._ He can feel and see Han latch onto the soothing. He's silent for a few moments, eyes closed and breathing deeply. When he speaks again, his voice is still hoarse but it's clear he's calmed down, satisfied that Poe truly is alive and unharmed.

"The kid, Finn or whatever," he says offhandedly. Poe knows how to read him though. He knows Finn's name. More than that, Poe can tell he cares for him. "He told me you crashed on Jakku."

"I did, got away though." He holds up his wrist, displaying his watch. "I owe you one."

He waves Poe off. "I owe you more than I can count." He's looking up at the _Falcon_ now, and Poe wonders if he even remembers the last time he saw it. He's never spoken about those two weeks before Poe found him on Takodana. To talk about that would be to talk about the loss of Breha, and even after all of these years, it just doesn't seem like something his father is capable of doing. He can count on one hand the number of times his father has spoken about her, and he was never the one to bring her up.

 _"People grieve in different ways"_ his mother had once said. _"Your father chooses to not talk about what happened. And it's not fair to try to make him if it's just going to cause him pain._

He knows the two of them have talked about her - it's one of the five times he's counting. On Breha's first birthday after her death, he'd come home from the Academy for a few days. He'd found his parents huddled together in their bedroom, his father speaking quietly through tears about how much he missed Breha; how he blamed himself for her death. It had startled Poe. Han hadn't talked about Breha since the day Poe had brought him home. Even the brief mention of her by Leia or Poe tended to cause Han to tense up and retreat. He'd felt as though he'd intruded on an intimate moment, so he'd snuck away and pretended to re-enter the apartment, calling out to them. When they had emerged, there were no signs his father had been crying and there was no talk about the important reason Poe had returned home.

Now, Poe turns to gaze up at the _Falcon_ with his father, just as awestruck as he was as a small boy.

"Poe," his father says softly. "I'm so sorr-"

Poe's quick to silence him with a wave of his hand. He can't deal with that right now. With everything going on, he can't stop to dwell on what's happened anymore than he already has. He needs to stay focused on what's ahead. Ignoring his father's gaze, he steps closer to the ship and sighs in wonder.

"Kriff pa. Look at her. She's beautiful! I can't believe you found her. She's - Finn! Hey! Finn-" he gesticulates wildly as the other man approaches. "C'mere, look at her! You ever seen anything as beau- hey what's wrong?"

Finn's stopped a little bit away from where Poe and Han are standing. He's looking at them unsure, and Poe steps closer, nodding to encourage him to voice what is wrong.

"I need your help."

xxxxxxxxxx

He leads Finn through the winding tunnels of the base until they encounter his mother speaking with a few officers.

"General Organa," he calls out to her as he approaches. "Sorry to interrupt. But this-" he points to Finn, proud and excited that he can make this introduction - "is Finn. He needs to talk to you."

"And I need to talk to him," she says, stepping forward and taking Finn's hands in hers. "It was incredibly brave of you, renouncing the First Order. And saving my son's life. I will forever be indebted to you for that."

Finn glances to Poe briefly, astonished. "Uh thank you, ma'am," he says. "But a friend of mine was taking prisoner-"

She lowers his hands, "Han told me about the girl. I'm sorry."

Finn appears crestfallen, taking Leia's words to mean there is nothing to be done. Poe jumps in. "Finn's familiar with the weapon that destroyed the Hosnian system. He worked on the base."

"That's where my friend was taken," Finn says. "I've got to get there fast."

Leia glances between the two of them, hesitant but Poe nods encouragingly. _You can't say you're in his debt for saving me and then not help him when he needs it,_ he conveys through the Force. It's clear she gets the message, and she nods back at him before placing a comforting hand on Finn's arm.

"You saved my son's life," she says. "I'll do everything I can to help, but first you must tell us everything you know."

Lieutenant Connix interrupts them to inform Leia that the map is ready for her to view. She takes her leave, heading across the command center towards where his father is stood with BB-8 and C3PO. Finn grabs him, staring incredulously.

"Han Solo is your father and Leia Organa is your _mother_?"

Poe shrugs. "Yeah?"

Finn continues to stare at him. "What's that like?"

The question disconcerts Poe. He's been asked it before, but there's a longing in Finn's voice that he's not used to. Most people tend to be more awestruck by his parents but Finn? Finn seems to be… disheartened? Jealous is too strong a word, he thinks. He doesn't sense envy from Finn, it's more a saddened curiosity. "Oh um, it's you know, they're great. Yeah you know just normal parents."

"Normal parents?"

 _Oh kriff._ That's what it is. It hadn't ever occurred to him what it must be like for Stormtroopers. Intelligence said that the First Order had abandoned the cloning program used by the Empire, but what they did instead was still unclear. Did Finn have parents? Had he known them?

His worry is short lived, as he thinks on both of his parents and their overwhelming compassion and parental instincts for the members of the Resistance. They're not just his parents; they're everyone's parents. There's no doubting they'll take Finn in and treat him as their own, especially since they have him to thank for Poe standing here. He puts his arm around Finn's shoulders.

"Don't worry," he says with a grin. "You'll see for yourself. You saved the right guy, Finn."

xxxxxxxxxx

When the meeting in command is adjourned, Poe immediately makes his way out to his x-wing, ignoring the glances from his mother as he goes. He's not avoiding her – he's not. Not at all – he's just got stuff to do. He's _busy_. And maybe he is worried about talking with her. He's been able to push thoughts of what happened away, and he needs to keep it that way. If he has any intention of succeeding on this mission he can't think about… it. He can't think about it, he can't talk about it. He just needs to work and fight and fly and anything else that can occupy his attention.

After he preps his x-wing, he makes his way towards the _Falcon_ at the other end of the airstrip. He still can't believe that she's here, even as she sits just beyond him in the distance. He passes Finn who's making his way there as well and claps him on the back. He jogs past him, turning to grin and wink. This is going to be a successful mission, he's sure of it. A bit reckless but he feels confident they'll see it through. With his father back in the cockpit of the _Falcon_ and his squadron beside him, he's feeling invincible. He finds his father at the base of the ship, running through last minute checks. He glances up at Poe's approach.

"You ready?"

"Buzzing for it," Poe replies, glancing up at the _Falcon_. "I still can't believe you found her."

"Didn't find her in the best shape though. Gonna take a while to get her back to what she was." He places a hand on the landing gear, and looks lost in thought. Poe's sure he's thinking of all of the lost years, regretting what had happened to his beloved ship.

"We'll start working on her as soon as we're home," he says. His father turns and smiles appreciatively.

"You two are gonna spend all your days buried in that ship when you get back, aren't you?"

They turn from admiring the _Falcon_ at the sound of Leia's voice. She's stood, watching them fondly. Poe grins sheepishly back at her, putting an arm around his father.

"Well if papa's gonna keep up with me, we're gonna have to do our best to fix this hunk of junk up."

"Watch it pal," his father warns.

His mother laughs, stepping towards them and putting her arm around Poe. "Not much to be done," she says. "She's always been a hunk of junk and she always will be." Han glares down at her but she just keeps smiling, clearly enjoying teasing him. "But she's _our_ hunk of junk."

Han grumbles softly but he seems placated. He turns away from them to bark a few orders at Finn, Poe's arm sliding away from him as he moves around to instruct their newest recruit. Poe is left alone with his mother. He can feel her watching him, but he continues staring ahead at his father and Finn. It's only when he feels her nudge him gently - with just a hint of scolding - through the Force, that he finally looks up to meet her gaze. The understanding he sees overwhelms him. So many today have looked at him with such pity, and he's hated every single look. He hates being looked at like he's weak; like he's someone people need to be sorry for. And yet, that's not what he sees at all from her. Just understanding. Because she does understand. She'd lost everyone she'd ever loved in the Disaster; she'd thought she'd lost Han on Bespin; she'd lost Breha and then she'd lost Luke; and she'd had friends on Hosnian Prime too. He suddenly feels guilty for avoiding her, but he hadn't wanted to see her of all people pity him. She shrugs off his guilt, stepping forward to take his hands.

"When you get back, we'll talk about what happened," she says softly.

He looks away, shrugging. "Not much to talk about," he mumbles.

"We both know that's not true." He looks back to her and nearly breaks. It feels like this has been the longest day of his life, and between the injuries he'd accumulated from his time in the custody of the First Order and on Jakku and the recent loss of his- boyfriend? Partner? He's not sure what to call Basti but his loss is gnawing at Poe's soul. He can't think about it. He shuts his eyes against the pain. "My brave, sweet boy," she whispers, pulling him to her. "Hold on, just a little longer." He nods into her shoulder as he senses her comfort through the Force. The blues of her aura soothe him, calming him before this inevitable storm.

A few moments later, he hears a shout from the deck officer that the x-wings need to prepare for take off. His mother kisses his cheek before pulling away, and he sees his father has rejoined them.

"I always hate watching you two leave," she says.

"That's why we do it," Han says. "Give you the chance to miss us."

It's meant to be a joke but it's clear that his mother does not find it funny. She's glancing between the two of them worriedly, as if she fears that sending both of them will increase the chances of something terrible happening. His father looks at him, chagrined and Poe takes it as his cue to leave. He steps forward, clasping his father's shoulder.

"Clear skies," he says as his father mimics his actions.

"Likewise pal."

He kisses his mother's cheek before heading to his ship. As he climbs into his x-wing, he glances back toward the _Falcon_. His parents are where he left them, in a comforting embrace. He can see her nodding as Han speaks to her. He can't see their expressions but he knows his father is assuring her they'll both return safely. As he prepares for takeoff, he hopes desperately that it's true.


	8. Hello

Apologies for the lateness of this! Work has been a lot harder and more time consuming (read awful) than I ever thought. Sorry to keep you waiting, hope you enjoy xxx

* * *

He's not answering, _why isn't he answering?_

He comms to his father once more to see if they've cleared out of the base, and once again he receives no response. The panic set in about seven tries ago. Last Poe had spoken to him, Han had informed him they had located Rey but were going back in with explosives. It had seemed stupid and reckless but that's just what his father did, and taking on all this enemy fire, Poe couldn't deny they needed it.

Now, he isn't responding to Poe's communications, and there's no sign they've evacuated. He tries reaching out to his father through the Force but he can't seem to find him. He makes another round, taking out more of the ground artillery. This isn't working. They've lost too many x-wings, they're taking on too much enemy fire, and there's no sign of the oscillator being destroyed. He glances up to see the sun's nearly gone, the blackness of space engulfing them. There's no telling anymore where space ends and the base's atmosphere begins. He's shaking. No word from his father, no sign of Starkiller Base taking hits. Is this it? Have they lost?

"We're overwhelmed," Jess says. "What do we do? This isn't working!"

"Black Leader, there's a brand new hole in that oscillator," Ziff says. "Looks like your pa got in!"

Poe looks down and sees the flames engulfing the oscillator, and breathes a sigh of relief. His father and the others had done it. He dives his x-wing towards ground and leads his team down into the narrow trenches surrounding the oscillator. But there are too many gun turrets, and they're taking on too much enemy fire. He has a narrow miss once, twice. It's all happening too fast and suddenly they lose Asty, his x-wing exploding just beyond Poe. He grits his teeth in frustration, his eyes scanning the area. He spots a hole amongst the flames in the oscillator. It's not much but he can work with it; and besides, he doesn't really have a choice. Poe's never been one to delegate responsibilities to his team. Instead, he's always been more of a leader who puts his own life on the line, rather than ask his men and women to do it for him. Not only because he believes its his responsibility as their leader, but also because he enjoys it. He likes being the hero, as his father would say. Not for the praise or accolades – though he enjoys those all the same – but because of the rush he gets from it. The feeling of pride he gets from being the one who saved the day is overwhelming. His parents didn't raise him to hide behind superiority and rank.

"All teams, I'm going in," he says. "Pull up and cover me!"

He's got a TIE fighter hot on his tail, but luckily his stealth technology aides him in avoiding any serious hits. He weaves his way through the trench, watching as the flames draw nearer. He pulls back on his thrusters, easing off the tension on his engine to allow him to swoop up at the perfect angle to slip through the gap. He doesn't take the time to think about surviving that close call as he fires volley after volley of torpedoes at the remaining pillars of the oscillator. He circles the whole inside before slipping back out the way he came. A quick glance over his shoulder confirms his success and as he spirals up and out into the darkening sky he hears the massive explosion as the oscillator ruptures and collapses.

"Good shooting Poe!" he hears Iolo call to him.

He glances back to see the explosions ripple through the ground, collapsing in on itself. _Sithspit,_ he thinks. The _Falcon_ is nowhere in sight, meaning it's likely they are still planetside. But there wouldn't be any planet left for much longer. He orders a quick sweep of the area, telling his team to keep an eye out for the _Falcon_. He'll be damned if he leaves here without them. He scans the ground, watching as it splinters and caves in amidst the destruction of the base. He can't see much with the lack of light, but he won't give up hope. He's debating whether or not to try the comms again when out in the distance, he spots her. She's pulling up from the forest, far away from the damaged oscillator. _They're okay._

"All teams, I got eyes on them!" He feels the relief wash over him as he pulls up behind the freighter.

"Yes!"

"Yahoo!"

He reaches to engage the comm line with the _Falcon_ as they leave the atmosphere, Starkiller Base imploding behind them. " _Falcon_ this is Black Leader, do you copy?" There's silence for a few moments, and Poe repeats himself. Still, he receives no response. The fear from before settles in. He tries reaching out through the Force to his father once more, but still he can't seem to reach him. A sense of dread overcomes him and he tries to push it down. He's still relatively new to the Force, maybe he's messing something up. He reaches out to his mother and finds her instantly. She meets his panic with confusion. Why can he find her but not papa? _I can't find him._ he relays to her. _I can't find him._ Her confusion morphs into anguish, and he flinches as her pain washes over him.

"Papa," he says shakily. "Do you copy?"

Silence meets him once again. _No. No no no no no no._ He's okay; he's got to be okay. He won't lose his father, not after everything. He reaches out to his mother once more and finds nothing has changed. She's panicked and scared and he isn't used to this. She's only ever been comforting when he reaches out to her through the Force. He's never encountered this from her and he's unsure what to do.

He tries to call out again but the words won't come out. His squadron is silent behind him. They're probably debating whether or not they should say something; all waiting and hoping someone else will be the one to speak first. But he can't bother to dwell on them. _Please,_ he thinks. _We can't lose him too. Please._

"Poe?"

He jolts forward.

"Can ya hear me pal?"

He lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding at the sound of his father's voice through the comms. He's alive, and Poe thanks all the stars in this galaxy and the next. "Yeah," he says shakily, clearing his throat before repeating more firmly, "Yeah. Loud and clear."

"Sorry about that, our comms are a bit messed up over here," Han says.

Poe laughs softly. "Add it to the list."

His father huffs, but doesn't deny it. "Alright let's get the hell outta here and go home."

"You heard the old man," he says to his squadron. "Let's go home."

He follows the _Falcon_ into hyperspace, their course set for D'Qar. He reaches out once more to his mother and finds his mother in the same state as before, her panic now ten fold. She's reaching out to him and he can sense the same thing from her over and over again. _Han._ He takes another deep breath. It's his turn to do the reassuring.

xxxxxxxxxx

He leaps down from his x-wing, and checks in briefly on his squadron. They've lost a lot of good people, but looking around at all of the controllers and other personnel covering the airstrip, he realizes it could've been a greater loss if they'd failed.

The _Falcon_ touches down on the tarmac and the large crowd descends upon it. There's cheering and hollering and Poe can't remember the last time they had something to be this happy about. They've had small victories against the First Order here and there, but nothing of this magnitude.

Chewie disembarks first, carrying the injured Finn. A medical team is nearby and Chewie lowers him onto the waiting medical transport. Poe hovers making sure he's okay but Chewie brushes him away, reassuring Poe he'll take care of him.

He turns to see his mother and father pulling away from one another, his mother's gaze fixed beyond on the _Falcon_. Coming down the ramp is a young woman, gazing uncertainly around her. _This must be Rey,_ he thinks. His mother starts making her way over to her.

"So you saved her then?" He asks his father as he comes to stand beside him.

He shakes his head, not taking his eyes off the women. "She saved herself."

Poe shoots him a questioning look but he still doesn't turn. He follows his gaze, and watches as his mother embraces Rey. It's warm, a motherly embrace that Poe himself has been on the receiving end of hundreds - if not thousands - of times. He feels a tug on his heart at the scene. Thoughts of Breha cross his mind. He can imagine if she were still alive today, this is what it would be like; coming home from saving the galaxy, her strolling off the _Falcon_ with Pop, the four of them gathering to celebrate their victory.

She'd be about Rey's age, or at least he thinks she would be. He doesn't know how old Rey is but she looks young. He wonders if either of his parents noticed or if the same thought crossed their minds. He glances back at his father and can tell from the look on his face that he has and probably is thinking it at this very moment.

When his mother pulls away he approaches tentatively. Might as well complete the Solo Welcoming Committee, he thinks. "Hello Rey," he says offering her a warm smile. "I'm Poe."

Her eyes widen, and she looks him up and down. "Poe? Poe Dameron?" He nods, and before he knows it she's flung her arms around him. It startles him for a moment but he's quick to return the hug. "You're alive," she whispers.

"I am," he says with a chuckle. "And so are you." He squeezes her gently before pulling away to smile at her. "We can't tell you how happy we are for that." She smiles back, and he can feel the relief radiating off of her. There's something about her, he thinks, that makes him believe she hasn't had someone be this warm and welcoming to her in a long while. "Come on, let's take you to medical get you patched up. We can check in on Finn too."

xxxxxxxxxx

When he's finished making sure Rey is alright in medical, and that Finn is being properly attended to, he makes his way towards his parents' quarters. It was looking like Finn would be fine. Dr. Kalonia said she hadn't seen lightsaber wounds before but she was confident she could heal him. And Poe was confident in her getting the job done. He knocks on his parents' door before swiping himself in.

They're sat on the couch together, his father's arm around his mother. They're huddled close, her head resting on his shoulder. They look up at him as he steps through the door but remain where they are. He moves across the room and sits at their feet, his back resting against their legs. His mother's hand comes down to rest on his head, and he can feel her reaching out to him through the Force.

"Basti's dead," he says quietly. So many are dead. Millions. A whole system destroyed in a heartbeat, not to mention those they lost in the battle. But it's hard to look past his personal loss and reflect on that.

"I'm so sorry Poe," his mother says. "I shouldn't have sent him."

"It's not your fault. If you didn't send him, it'd have been someone else." And is it wrong that he wishes it had been someone else? Yes. Of course it is. But he doesn't blame his mother. How was she to know? And it would have been wrong of her to hold Basti back because of his relationship with her son. The First Order is to blame. This is war, they all knew what they'd signed up for going in. He just wishes he hadn't left it so late. He wishes he could go back, tell Basti sooner. _I love you. I've always loved you. I'm so sorry._

His father's hand comes to rest firmly on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry son." He reaches a hand up to clasp his father's, but says nothing.

They sit there in silence, holding onto each other to remind themselves they're all still here. The loss of Basti hurts, but he focuses on his parents holding onto him, reminding him he's not alone.

xxxxxxxxxx

He's woken the next morning by the comms unit in his quarters. He groans, rolling over to bury his head deeper into the pillow and let's it ring through to messages. It stops but immediately starts up again a moment later. Great, he thinks. He'd barely slept last night. He'd stayed up late with his parents and when he finally had gone to bed he had spent most of the night tossing and turning. He's not entirely sure when he'd finally fallen asleep, but a quick glance at the chrono tells him he probably didn't sleep long. Hells the sun isn't even gonna be up yet. The comms is still ringing shrilly in his ear and with a grumble of discontent, he slaps the button above his bunk and grunts, ensuring the person on the other end knows they've woken him.

"I know I know, it's early," his mother's voice echoes softly through his room. "But you need to come to medical straight away."

He sits up quickly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing sweetheart, everyone's fine but I think you're going to want to come down here."

"Are you okay? Is it papa?" he asks hurriedly. He's up on his feet now, crossing the room and grabbing his discarded shirt from last night off his desk chair.

"Poe everything's-"

"- Pal would you just get down here and see for yourself?" Papa's gruff voice says down the line. He sounds exasperated and Poe pauses briefly to wonder on that. There's no concern in his voice, which he takes as a good sign. Neither of them seem concerned, he realizes, which is strange considering they're asking him to meet them in medical.

"Alright I'll be right there." He tosses a shoe at the button to cut the line, before throwing on his shirt and heading out the door.

The medical wing is on the other side of the base, and though he's walking quickly it feels like it takes him forever. Fortunately there aren't too many people in the halls at this time. He passes a few making their way for an early kaff before their shift starts, and he smiles in greeting. They grin back, and one person even claps him on the back in jubilation. He finds it a bit strange - who the hells is that enthused this early in the morning? - but he chalks it up to the recent victory and continues on his way.

The crowd gathered outside medical however can definitely be marked down as strange. It's not too many - no more than a dozen or so - but they're all huddled by the door trying to sneak a glance inside and talking animatedly to one another. He slows his approach, catching bits and pieces of the conversations.

"- see him?"

"Just for a second he went by so fast-"

"Kriffin hells, has anyone told Poe?"

"Fella's gonna be made up when he hears."

Poe clears his throat awkwardly, and the crowd hushes and turns to stare at him. He's not usually surprised by idle gossip, but he's never come across a group in the middle of talking about him. They stand awkwardly staring at him and blocking his entrance to medical before one of them who Poe recognizes from the deck crew, Shija, steps forward.

"Ah hells Poe, we're sorry," she says, scratching the back of her neck. "Didn't mean for you to find out this way." His brow furrows in confusion, and for some reason relief flashes across her face. "And you have no idea what we're talking about, do you? Thank the gods." She's grinning at him now and she gestures to shoo the others. "Alright you lot, let's scram. Give 'em some privacy."

They scatter, each shooting one last smile at Poe and he's beginning to wonder if he should just turn around and head back to bed. He's been awake for barely 10 minutes and he's already had enough weird to last him the rest of the day. Who knows what's waiting for him beyond this door. Hells at this rate he wouldn't be surprised if his parents were on the other side waiting to tell him he was going to be an older brother again.

His eyes widen as panic seizes him at that thought, but he quickly tampers it down. There's no way it's that... He thinks... Right? He shakes his head to clear it of the thought. Right, he definitely needs to get back in bed. He'll pop in, see what's going on and then hopefully return to his quarters for a bit more rest to get his mind straight.

He steps through the door to medical and thankfully finds it's fairly quiet. He glances over and finds Finn as he's walking. He appears fine, lying in his med chamber. Rey's sleeping soundly in a chair next to him and Poe smiles at the sight. He'll have to stop by and wake her to take over for her after he's done speaking with his parents. He won't get to go back and sleep but if it means she can get some rest it'll be worth it. He's pretty sure his mother assigned her quarters but if not he'll offer her access to his.

He spots his parents further down the wing, huddled around a bed, talking with Dr. Kalonia and someone he can't see, blocked by his parents. Dr. Kalonia notices him first and nods her head in his direction to alert his parents. His father turns to look first, and he shoots Poe a grin. He steps to the side, revealing the other person they had been speaking with.

Time seems to come to a stand still, and Poe stops walking, frozen in place. Sat on the bunk, looking down at the medical droid patching up his leg, is Basti. Poe blinks, not sure he's seeing correctly. Basti glances up and their eyes meet. It's him.

His feet start moving before he's fully shaken off the shock. He's running full speed down the small aisle amongst the bunks. Basti stands and makes to move as well but his injured leg buckles under him before he gets even a step. Han is quick to grab him and help him back toward the bed. It doesn't stop him. He pushes up from the bed once again, but Han holds him down, speaking to him. Basti nods, though his eyes are still on Poe.

The closer he gets, the harder he can feel his heart pounding in his chest, so terrified that this isn't real and that Basti is going to disappear right before his eyes.

When he reaches them, Basti is still there and though Poe's never been religious, he's thanking the gods - all of them, any of them. Basti pushes away from the bed and Poe lunges into him, wrapping his arms tightly around Basti's body. He grunts in pain as his arms come around Poe and Poe mumbles apologies into the crook of his neck.

"It's okay, I'm fine," Basti says. "I'm fine."

He repeats it over and over to Poe as he runs a hand through Poe's hair. He's fine. He's okay. _He's alive._ They stand embraced for a moment before Poe feels another hand nudge gently at his shoulder.

"Let the droid treat him son," his father says gently. He pulls his head away to glance at Han, who's grinning back. "Trust me, I know. But there's no sense gettin' him back just to have him bleed out in medical."

He pulls further away to look down at Basti's leg and gasps. The skin on the outside of his shin is completely gone, and Poe thinks he can see the bone through the damaged muscle. He steps away and catches Basti's eye. "What happened?"

The droid takes advantage of Poe's retreat and moves forward to continue treating the wound. Basti winces and reaches out to grip Poe's arm. It hurts, but he says nothing. He'll take any reminder that Basti is here. It's real, he's actually here and alive and holding on to him. He covers Basti's hand with his and squeezes reassuringly before turning to his mother for answers. She doesn't look as happy as his father does. She's watching him, concerned, and he feels his gut wrench as he realizes it's not as simple as having Basti back.

"Pim's father had information for me," she says. "He needed Basti to return with it straight away."

"Wasn't on Hosnian Prime for more than a day," Basti says, still wincing. "But we were followed by the First Order. Our ship took a few hits and we had to emergency land on Kalarba." He yells as the droid touches over a part of the wound and Poe holds tighter to his hand. "But I didn't know what the message said." He looks up at Poe, his eyes wide. "They were there, the First Order. They had taken over the Palace in Kalarba City. They were holding Senator Ulloa's daughter hostage."

Poe glances sharply up at his mother. She's staring somberly back at him. _Oh gods, Pim._ "Is she-?" He chokes out, looking between Basti and his mother.

"We don't know," she says.

"We tried to do some recon, but we were caught," Basti continues. "I took a hit-" he gesutres to his leg- "but I was able to get away. Laid low for a few days before I stole a ship."

Poe notices the change in pronouns but says nothing, not wanting to upset Basti. He can see the anguish on his partner's face, not just from the pain but also from what he's been through. Basti was never meant to be out in the thick of it all. Had he ever even seen someone die before?

"I got out," Basti says. "Gods know how but I did." He glances up at Poe, smiling slightly. "I'm okay."

Those two simple words might just be the best he's ever heard. However, his relief is short lived as Basti cries out again in pain. Dr. Kalonia steps forward, careful to avoid the droid by her feet.

"I'm sorry but the numbing gel clearly isn't enough," she says. "I think it'd be best to sedate you now."

It hadn't even occurred to Poe that Basti shouldn't be awake, and he turns with a chastising glare back to his partner. Basti shrugs sheepishly, wincing. "I wanted to see you."

Poe can't fault him for that. If the roles had been reversed, he'd have fought through any amount of pain to see Basti's; to speak with him and hold him and assure himself that everything was okay. He reaches a hand up to Basti's cheek, rubbing his thumb softly over his lips.

"I'll come back later," he whispers, "when you're all well and good." He leans forward, and captures Basti's lips with his own. He wants more – craves to just crawl into the bed beside him and never let him out of his sight again – but there are more pressing matters at hand. He pulls away reluctantly, aware of their audience. "I love you," he says, placing one last kiss to Basti's cheek.

Basti smiles and musters a wink as Dr. Kalonia steps closer to administer the sedative. Poe can feel his father wrap an arm around him, guiding him gently out of the way. He's saying something about them grabbing breakfast, and Poe nods absent-mindedly as they turn to make their way out of medical.

Rey is awake now, standing just at the foot of Finn's chamber and watching them curiously. He grins at her and as they approach, he refrains from reaching out to pull her into a hug. _Softly softly catchy monkey,_ he reminds himself.

xxxxxxxxxx

Rey's never had tea before, he learns and he spends the entire walk to the mess explaining all of the various kinds they have on base as his parents trail quietly behind them. She listens intently as he tells her his favorite is Dashi mint.

"So soothing," he says, "reminds me of when I was little." Of when he was young, cuddled up with his mother as she read to him; of long trips on the _Falcon_ , sick as a gurrcat and the only thing he could keep down was the tea; and of sitting on the couch in their apartment on Hosnian Prime, watching holos with Breha and leaving the tea to cool until he could offer her little sips.

He watches her in line in the mess, eyeing each batch of food with extreme curiosity. She bends down close to the diced fruit, eyes wide as she sniffs at them. They seem to pass her test as she grabs the spoon and places a large portion onto her plate. Next it's the eggs. She glances down at the pile and back up at him questioningly. He awkwardly shrugs in response. He's not sure what she's trying to ask of him.

Han maneuvers around Poe almost immediately, stepping closer to Rey and grabbing the spoon next to the eggs.

"These are eggs," he says softly, scooping a decent sized portion onto her plate before doing the same for his. "Now they ain't real so they don't taste good but they're good for you." He walks around her to the next batch. "And these are hashers. Very real. Very good." He adds some to both of their plates and continues on down the line.

Rey follows behind him, listening intently as he explains each batch of food to her before adding it to her plate. She gets a bit of nearly everything – not the bread though; that she rejects vehemently. Poe stands back near the beginning, dumbfounded.

He glances to his mother for help trying to decipher what they've just watched unfold but she appears just as confused. She shakes her head grimly, concern clouding her face.

"I think there's a lot we need to learn about what happened to her before we found her," she says, "and something tells me we aren't going to like most of it."

xxxxxxxxxx

Later, after breakfast with his parents and Rey and a meeting to discuss plans to rescue Pim, he returns to Basti's bedside. He's awake – though only just – but Poe can already see the improvements on this morning. He seems in less pain and though his leg is under the covers, Poe's sure it's already on its way to being healed. He smiles at Poe and when Poe climbs gently into the bunk with him, he slides over with relative ease. He settles into the crook of Poe's arm, kissing his shoulder.

"Feeling better I take it?" Poe asks with a grin.

Basti nods, kissing him again. They lie in silence, finding solace in the other's presence. Last night, Poe would never have even entertained the possibility of a moment like this.

"Did you know her?" Basti whispers, breaking the silence.

Poe tenses. _Pim._ He almost can't believe it. He's gotten Basti back, only to have the devastating news of Pim's imprisonment bring him quickly back to the harsh reality of the war they find themselves in. He tightens his grip and nods. "She was my best friend," he says hoarsely. "Her father served on the Senate nearly as long as my mother. We grew up together."

Basti places a series of kisses to Poe's cheek. "We'll rescue her," he says confidently. "And we'll bring her back here. She'll be okay."

He nods again, though he doesn't truly believe it. There's just been so much loss, so much disaster these past few days. He doesn't know if he can believe in them saving her. But then again, he thinks, Basti lying here with him is proof that there is hope. And Rey and Finn; they are further proof are they not?

He feels a wave of determination wash over him as he grips Basti to him and nods once more. Pim _will_ be okay. He's going to make damn sure of it.

* * *

Thanks for reading! Through most of TFA, just missing those two scenes really. Let me know what you think and if you'd be interested reading beyond TFA. xxx


End file.
